Today's list for 205 is one of those classic Dumb Guy hypotheticals: who would you want to have relations with throughout history? I went partly from personal lust, partly from societal responsibility (you, yes you, could save the Beatles), and partly from the dream we all dream of -- being the very worst soul in Heaven. Enjoy the blasphemy!
From the Washington Post -- (Washington Nationals) reliever Jesus Colome remained in a hopsital yesterday with an infection on his right buttocks, though GM Jim Bowden said he would get out today. The Nationals don't know when Colome, 4-0 with a 2.76 ERA in 40 appearances, will be able to pitch. "It's a serious situation," Bowden said. "We pray for his buttocks and his family."
This reliever, who art stricken
Wounded be thine ass
Thy Buttocks hurt, and
Thy Ass be done,
For 15 days, perhaps retroactive.
Give us this day a better ass
And forgive us our blasphemes
As we forgive those that blaspheme agains us.
And lead us not into titillation,
But deliver us from an image search.
For thine has the problem,
the power, and the infamy.
For ever and ever.
Sucks to be you.
Amen.
Item: The Golden State Warriors, who have not made the playoffs since 1994, are very close to clinching a spot.
Truly, I write today of things which must shortly come to pass;
And I beheld when the Prodigal Nellie had returned to the State of Gold, and, lo, there was a great earthquake named Biedrins; and the sun became as black as the hopes of those who rooted for either Spree or PJ,
and the moon became as dumb as the contract that Adonal doth signed
And the stars of other teams fell unto their knees, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, though to be honest, there's just not that much call for figs anymore
And the Pacific Division departed from sense and reason when it is rolled together, and the ancient Northwestern powers fell into such stupidity and disrepair that there had to be copious amounts of Paul Allen
The first angel sounded, and gave them an actual point guard, albeit one who could be injured in the stiffeth of breezes;
And the second angel poured out his vial upon the sea, and threw down hard, and spoke thusly, saying I am J-Rich, and this is what I doeth;
and the third angel shot his guns in the air like he just don't care, because, verily, this is what SJax doeth,
and the fourth angel poured out his array of ball-hogging shots, and power was given unto him to scorch men with fire, because Harrington is, verily, a Streaketh Shootereth,
and gamblers were scorched with great heat.
And the fifth angel, Montaeth, is but a babe, and knows not that this isn't going to work out for him here, but that he will wind up being Gilbert Arenas Two, Apocalytpic Boogaloo
And there were voices, and thunders, and lightnings, and there was a great earthquake, such as not since people like Kurt Cobain and Nicole Brown Simpson trod the earth
and the East Bay rose as one voice in a sound not unliketh a group shrug of "Huh. Finally."
And every island fled away, and the mountains were not found
And then there fell upon these minor angels a great hail out of Phoenix or Dallas, every contest bitter, as this minor miracle was swepeth from thine eyes, ending an overly long and ultimately pointless exercise, be-eth the season oreth this Posteth.
The grace of this blog be with you all. Amen.
(Ed. Note for non-golf fans: Unheralded PGA pro Zach Johnson won the Masters this weekend, holding off Tiger Woods and Retief Goosen for his first win in a major. Afterwards, a very emotional Johnson gave the credit to Jesus, seeing how it was Easter and all, and the Son of God clearly had nothing better to concern Himself with than who would win a golf tournament. Later on, he compared Woods to a giant, which would have to be Goliath, one would think.)
10. Earl Woods is constantly dropping by his cloud, unannounced
9. Starting to get a little bit jealous of all the attention
8. Knows that Tiger doesn't really drive a Buick, and lies make Him cry, especially in late December
7. Feels Tiger is getting a little too comfortable in Dubai
6. Two words: Nicklaus Praying
5. Little-known fact: Zach Johnson has leprosy, and He could never say no to a leper
4. Just didn't have his "A" Blessing today
3. Wanted Tiger to win, but as anyone who has ever played golf knows, the putter is Satan's club
2. Had to do something to shut Johnny Hart up (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070409/ap_en_ot/obit_hart)
1. Warming up with minor miracles before August 2nd (last paragraph, http://www.theonion.com/content/news/christ_getting_in_shape_for_second)
