Sunday, January 21, 2007

Rejected "Heel" Profiles from the WWE

(Hat tip: Bruno in CT)

1) Stark Haywire

Stark's a baseball bat-wielding monster who may or may not be using banned substances to achieve his success in the WWE. Banned from his first sport for his uncoachability and willingness to start bench-clearing brawls, Stark has brought his "anything goes" atttitude and willingness to cut corners to the WWE. If he wins a championship belt and becomes a role model, will America survive? Only time will tell!

Finishing Moves: Long Ball Blast, The Needle Drop

2) Wide Out

This gifted but troubled superstar is a three-ring circus, in and out of the ring. With an ever-changing array of spokesmen and women, handlers, security staff and his "posse," Wide Out is always up for outside interference in his matches. Watch out for treachery as Wide Open puts old friends "under the bus" with devastating speed!

Finishing Moves: The Press Conference, The (Bust You) Wide Open

3) Buck Moral

Buck is here to clean up the WWE with his own brand of two-fisted morality. From tut-tutting scantily clad women to lecturing the crowd on the dangers of noise pollution, Buck isn't afraid to dampen any blanket. He's sure to clash with Wide Open in a feud that will have the fans talking for years to come!

Finishing Moves: The Oral Submission, The Post-Game Wrap-Up

4) Freaky Zekey

Ezekiel Q. Daly doesn't look like a WWE superstar, in his impeccable pinstriped suits and expensive ties, but don't let looks deceive you -- he's a talented athlete whose only flaw is his unbelievably bad judgment. "Freaky Zekey," as the crowds will call him to his maddening torment, will snatch defeat from the jaws of victory week after week with a series of comical mishap and tragic errors. Like a real-life Wile E. Coyote, Freaky Zekey will keep trying more dubious schemes with more disastrous results. Our crowds will love laughing at his antics. Oh, Freaky Zekey, will you ever learn?

Finishing Moves: The Bad Trade, The Really Bad Trade

5) Soccer Mama

This ill-tempered dynamo is sure to get the fans on their feet. In her arsenal of attacks is spine-curdling lectures about how Americans just don't appreciate the world's game, sickening fake dives to get the referee's attention, an aversion to any actual physical contact and the constant threat of outside interference from drunken hoodlums. This big bad Mama is more than a few orange slices away from a good breakfast.

Finishing Moves: The Car Seat Spank, The Zidane Splash

2 comments:

NFL Adam said...

My heel profile would be, "Mid Card Heel" where my gimmick would be to play a lower-level curtain jerker who gets pushed to the top because his dad is famous. My wrestling name would be Randy Orton.

DMtShooter said...

Excellent, but you forgot your finishing move. May we suggest The Clipboard Chair Shot and The Check Down?

Oh, and nice blog. FTT is proud to endorse: http://thehaternation.blogspot.com/