Monday, January 22, 2007

Fantasy Sports Draft Animals

If you've been in enough fantasy league drafts, you've seen (or been) any of the people listed below. If we've missed any, join in for the comments. (And if you've seen an earlier version of this at some other blog... it's because we wrote it, in a world before FTT. We were so innocent then.)

1) Papa Smurf Commish

Leading his league likes it's an actual job, Papa Smurf Commish feels obligated to tone down the smack talk just when it's getting interesting, restate the draft order until the with-it owners want to throw chairs, and pimps some league outing until you agree to go out of pity.
Positives: He usually buys beer, and sometimes even springs for a trophy. Without him, you'd probably have anarchy.
Negatives: In a room of guys without lives, he pushes the envelope. Plus, he usually finishes in the money.
2) Preppy Overlord
He's bringing a laptop, an Excel spreadsheet that would crush any pre-2000 operating system, five pounds of printouts, a half-dozen pre-season magazines and his Expert Opinion on any pick that isn't his own.
Positives: Easy to cheat off of.
Negatives: Takes the maximum time alloted on every pick. Cries easily.
3) Drunk And Proud
Every league has got one -- the guy that sees a live draft as an opportunity to get out of the house and unwind. By the fourth round, he'll be complaining over how long it's taking and drafting on name recognition only.
Positives: Dumb Money.
Negatives: He inevitably stumbles into a guy you want, and trading with him later is an exercise in pain.
4) The Rookie
Oh, is it my turn? How many catchers do we have to draft? What are the categories again? Hey, what do you think about taking Johan Santana here? Why are you smacking yourself in the head -- did you want him? OK, I won't pick him. But... oh, man, look at those strikeouts.... I think I have to pick him. Do you mind?
Positives: They rarely, if ever, win.
Negatives: If they do win, you throw up in your mouth.
5) James Lipton / The Fluffer
That was an outstanding pick. Wow, the value you got out of that one... I'm moved. How did you know that Adam Dunn would be here for you in this round? I had completely forgotten about him here, and I needed homers. And Chase Utley... I believe the word I'm looking for is Stones, Sir. You Have Stones.
Positives: Makes you feel smart for seconds on end.
Negatives: Fluffs just about every owner in the same way, making you feel all dirty.
6) Spring Training Guy
You've been to Florida/Arizona, too? Well, that's OK, but Florida/Arizona's better. I was there for two weeks because I have more money than I know what to do with and a job I can blow off, and what you learn there just can't be matched in any of those * pfah! * magazines. I remember in '88, when I saw Leo Mazzone in a bar and asked him about this Smoltz kid, and he couldn't stop talking about the kid's stuff. I knew, right then...
Positives: Will, inevitably, draft a guy in the 5th round that will be sent to the minors before the All Star Break. Highest comedy value in the league.
Negatives: Death in a keeper league.
7) The Porn Bringer
Draft prep is for nerds. I know all of these guys from last year, and I did just fine. Hey, do you think this one's had work done, or what? Holy...
Positives: Brings porn.
Negatives: Brings porn.
8) The Soft Chick
Oh, I'm just here because (Owner X) said it would be fun, and because I think Jeter is just so freakin' hot. I knew this girl who was on his boat, and she says that he's got the biggest...
Positives: Some part of you wants her to finish that story. Will finish in front of some guy who will then want to kill himself.
Negatives: She will finish that story. And that guy who finishes behind her... might be you.
9) The Hard Chick
Will you just freakin' pick already? I've known pregnant sorority girls that could make a decision faster than you. Jesus, what a sausage fest this league is. Do anyone of you actually have girlfriends, or do you just all go Lucky Pierre on each other after I leave the room?
Positives: Talks the best trash in the league. Usually doesn't do well.
Negatives: You might be the target of her smack.
10) The Fake Mark
Oh, I just thought I'd get in the league for fun, you know? I catch a lot of games at the park, and I thought it would be fun to have a few guys to root for this year. What's that? No, I didn't do any real prep -- just picked up a mock draft off the Web and messed around with a little.
My car? Yeah, thanks, I really like it. Won it in Vegas from a... slot machine. Just got lucky, I guess. Hey, after the draft is over, you guys want to play some cards?
Positives: There are no positives.
Negatives: Guess who's going to win your league?

1 comment:

meatwad said...

11) The Placeholder:

You've got a league going, but not quite enough people to fill it. So you ask your wife/girlfriend/cousin Zed to sign up, so you'll have enough people. They have the rankings list, but not much else.

Positives: They usually don't win, since they're not actually playing. You can get them to trade for whatever player you need.

Negatives: Places ahead of you, since they're drafting by the numbers and not from their guts.

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