The FTT Guide to Super Bowl Columns

As the countdown to Super Bowl XLI (that’s Roman for Extra Large and Interactive) moves on, sports fans will be treated to any number of first-person accounts of the Big Game. As part of FTT’s ongoing mission to save you time and add insight to your day, we encourage you to read the abbreviated version of all relevant Super Bowl content below.

1) It’s My World. You Just Pay Rent

This approach is from the Hanging Out With Cool Kids columnist who wants to give you the Real Picture behind the scenes at all of those Super Bowl parties that you aren’t rich or pretty enough to go to, like, ever. (As If. You? With those hips? Girl, please.)

Advantage of reading: Feeds your inner supermarket tabloid reader. May cause snickers, either intentional or not. Slightly less ridiculous this year, since the game is in Miami, which attracts a marginally better case of celebrity.

Disadvantage: After you are finished reading, you are filled with loathing of self and others. Mostly, others.

2) The Inspirational Wank

Who would have ever guessed that Athlete X, who had to overcome Obstacle Y, would ever reach the pinnacle like this? (FTT, for one, who remembers that Athlete X, just like every other player in the NFL, has already beaten 10,000-to-1 odds to make it from high school and college to the pros. But we digress.) Read the Inside Story, with gripping personal details, and learn how they did it.

Advantage: If you are a fan of either team, this column will add to your warehouse of examples as to why Our Guys are not just better football players, but also better human beings. So you are *not* just rooting for laundry!

Disadvantage: If you aren’t a fan of either team, will provoke disgust and/or blackouts.

3) You Aren’t Smart Enough To Watch

Ready to get in touch with your Inner Geek? This column will get into the nitty-gritty of what Coach X is looking for when he prepares his troops for this week’s monstrously large game. Bonus points if the columnist invents new jargon!

Advantage: Infinitesimal chance of pulling all King Dork Knowledge at your Super Bowl party, thereby making all other King Dork Wannabes lie prostrate to your Superior Knowledge.

Disadvantage: See Advantage.

4) Hype About Hype: Gosh, There’s A Lot Of Hype

Feed your Inner Curmudgeon! This refreshingly non-original column will back up his or her bold take on how overblown Super Bowl Week is by citing the same statistics given to them by the NFL PR flacks. Did you know that if you took all of the money from this game and put it in a pile of one dollar bills, the bills would fall over before they reached any meaningful distance? Wow!

Advantage: Reading this column will give your Significant Other that doesn’t care about the game something to say during the non-ad parts.

Disadvantage: The more “meta” stuff is written, the less funny it all is. Even from a level of ironic detachment. (Cue bass solo.)

5) Feel Guilty, Damn You

A supremely necessary dose of perspective is provided by this aggrieved columnist, who cites the same number as the Gosh Columnist to talk about all of the Shameful Waste involved in this year’s game. This column can also tread down the path of providing lurid details on which players have been involved in legal actions during their professional and college careers. Bonus points for linking world hunger to America’s problem with obesity.

Advantage: Police blotter section can add to your warehouse of examples as to why Our Guys are better. In one out of 100,000 readings, provokes a charitable contribution.

Disadvantage: People who scold people usually have other problems. In the long run, not usually very surprising ones. And that goes to the readers, too.

6) The Real Stars Are The Ads!

This remarkably perceptive columnist notes the cost of Super Bowl ads, and then previews some of the content that will have all of America holding it in during the 362 planned breaks. But don’t miss this year’s ads, because they’ll be really, really expensive!

Advantage: Gives people who have no real professional excuse to watch the game an excuse to, well, watch the game. This column helps to propagate the myth that broadcast television ads are a good use of a marketing budget, which helps keeps ad agencies and television networks in business, and by correlation, entire US economy afloat.

Disadvantage: You can see all of the ads online now, or on a much cheaper ad buy two days after the game. And, um, just for the record… why are the ads that you want to skip every other day of the year good now?

7) People Sure Do Gamble

A column so predictable, it’s a wonder that the writer doesn’t slip up from the cut-and-paste job that they did in putting it together last year. Did you know some people are so wacky that they bet on the coin flip? Wow!

Advantage: One of the few SB columns that might have some use for you, since they tell you an actual fact (point spread, over/under, etc.) that you might not have known.

Disadvantage: Helps encourage you to bet on the game (these tings should just be, and probably are, subsidized by gambling sites).

If we've missed any, please post in comments.