Your Performance Review in a C-Webb World

Dear Employer,

I think we both know this isn't working out.

It isn't, of course, my fault -- I give 110% and excrete nothing but fragrantly inoffensive materials -- but you've surrounded me with lesser beings. (I love them all, of course, in the same way that you love a bushel of puppies, but they’ve got ringworm and mange.)

They sap my will to live, and prevent me from being the employee you thought I was during the hiring process. Sorry about that.

It would be a shame for me to waste my time trying to raise this place up. After all, I'm not getting any younger, and you guys clearly aren't going anywhere this year. Or next, so long as I'm around.

So here's what we should do. You pay me 95% of what you were going to pay me. I'll go, and say nothing bad about you, for at least a good week and a half, in public.

Then, I'll sign with a competitor for a lot less than what you're paying me, and give them the full effort that I was unable to give to you. It's a win-win situation. (Not a win-win-win situation, but hey.)

Do we have a deal?

I really don't think that level of laughter is called for. Very unprofessional. I'm so going to send out resumes now.

And don't touch my stapler!