Mad Love For Our People

Ever since Five Tool Tool launched, we've been inundated with questions from Readers Like You. What to do with them? We briefly considered selling them all to our pen pals in Nigeria, but decided instead to share them with all of you in a Mailbag column. (Plus, it gives us a good way to get that convicted criminal’s mug shot off the top of the site. He’s attracting a bad crowd.)

So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, your very first edition of the FTT Mail Bag. Remember, these are actual words using actual letters!

Q: Recently my wife has been trying to include herself in everything I do. My friends say it's cool, but I think they're secretly laughing at me behind my back, and I'm starting to feel confined. How do I get her to back off without hurting her feelings?

-- Jason, Seacacus, NJ

FTT: A clingy spouse is just someone who is having insecurity issues. The next time you're with her, let her know how special you think she really is. Prepare a list of the things that she's really good at, and how well she compares with the other women you meet at the office and in your travels. Be prepared to break it down in detail -- women love it when their man comes prepared -- and to come on strong if you have to. You'll be celebrating your independence again in no time!

Q: Some buddies and me were sitting around having a few, and somebody -- and it wasn't me -- popped the question of who you would, um, you know, "go out with" if you were in prison for a long time. The room got really quiet, and all five of us said "Brady" at the same time. Does this make us queer?

-- Name Withheld, Waltham, MA

FTT: Some might say it depends on the length of the sentence and the amount of alcohol you've been drinking, but that's just beating around the bush. You are. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Q: I left my old place of business a few years ago for an early retirement. Ever since I've been gone, people have been running down my accomplishments, saying that I didn't play by the rules, and that my legacy is a sham. Should I find them and crush them with my bare hands, or pay someone else to do the job for me?

Mark, Irvine, CA

FTT: In situations like this, it pays in the long run to be the bigger man. Let your next career and/or retirement activities put your previous job into its proper perspective. Besides, what can they really do to you now?

Q: There's this guy in my office who's a complete jerk. Everyone kind of pretends to like him because he puts up numbers, but no one really does. Anyway, last week he got busted for having drugs in the workplace, and instead of taking the blame, he tried to rat me out for it. What should I do?

Mark, Redwood Shores, CA

FTT: People like your co-worker always come to a bad end, so the best course may just to be patient and steer clear of him in any kind of social or work interaction. Be polite but distant, and don't drag yourself to his level by engaging in acts of revenge.

Besides, unless your business is truly run by incompetents, this kind of behavior will result in termination. When the dust settles, you don't want this person to harbor ill feelings, since they've already shown themselves to be outside of the bounds of human decency.

Q: Did I kill anyone? Did we have the castle there with the vampires and the Frankenstein, and the bugs and lizards dying in the desert? A lot of what they pushed off on me is not me. Getting up every day and going through this again and again is hard. Good for some may not be the same for others. I didn't want to scare you guys out of the neighborhood right away.

Ron, Manteca, CA

FTT: Thanks for writing!

Q: Don't you think that letters columns (and chat transcripts, for that matter) are just a dishonest way to pump out new content that requires almost no imagination or creativity? Answer this letter or I'll start my own blog and say mean things about you.

Dan, Philadelphia, PA

FTT: Thanks for writing!

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And that's it for this edition of the Mailbag. Keep those letters coming, folks!