Coming Soon – The New Sports TV Shows

Better Than Life

This half-hour exercise is a breakthrough in what some experts are calling immersion therapy for broken-hearted sports fans.

Using the same digital reconstructions used by Gatorade in its recent "That Didn't Happen" campaign, producers will splice together geographically appropriate endings to classic decisive sports moments.

So Boston fans get to see Bucky Dent's ball caught at the warning track, while New York fans get to see Dave Roberts picked off first. In Philadelphia, Donovan McNabb engineers the last-minute miracle to beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl. In Detroit, Bird never steals the ball. And so on.

"We're very excited about the prospects for Better Than Life," said show producer Eric Blair. "Especially in markets like Philadelphia, Washington DC, Atlanta and Northern California, where the fans have no real hope of their teams winning for the foreseeable future, you're telling me they won't watch this?"

Industry insiders, however, were less impressed with the show's chances. "For a few seconds of emotional payoff, fans are going to have to sit through a lot of set-up," said television critic Tim Goodwin. "Sports fans would never go for that."

Full Contact Snark

Do you have what it takes to enter the exciting and charged world of sports blogging? In this new reality series, you're going to find out.

"We're going to draw on every part of the sports blogging rainbow -- from fat and white to less fat and white -- and then find some other people who want to be on TV," said producer Mike Barnett.

"They'll undergo a grueling 8-week crash course in sports blogging, taught by experts like Rex Hudler, Tim Kerr and Joe Morgan. Each week, one contestant will get the dreaded Server Error, and their blog will be deleted. This is going to be riveting television."

In-game contests include eating bugs, howling into a stiff wind, seeing who can refresh their page to check the most often for new comments, begging for links, butchering HTML, gaming the search engines, and, time permitting, writing.

"We'll split the teams into two racially diverse teams for cheap heat, and then throw the gimmick under the bus after the PR burst has gone," said Barnett. "Oh crap, did I just say that out loud?"

Tuesday Afternoon Taint Stains

Following the success of "Friday Night Lights," "Four Days To Glory" and "Won't Anyone, For The Love Of God, Blow A Mathlete" comes this tense and gripping drama.

You'll meet the Fighting Pundits from White Plains, NY's Far West High School, and follow every minute of their quest to better last year's eighth-place finish at the State Championships.

Celebrity cameos from noted debaters like Al Sharpton, Oprah Winfrey and Ben Stein will liven up the proceedings, and the "hole card" cameras that fans have come to love on poker telecasts will bring you every involuntary bowel release, outbreak of flop sweat, and contracting of the sphincter.

"By the time TATS is done, you'll have given your hearts to these kids," said producer Melinda Thomas. "You'll have to, actually, because they're going to be working on the argument for mandatory organ harvesting."

The World Cup Of Pinochle

The world of gambling television gets taken up a notch with the real-life drama of TWCoP, an unforgettable look inside the 7-week annual event held in Kenosha, Wisconsin for over $300 in prize money. Pinochle experts like Bitters Yohanssen, Cranky McPhee and Carrot Top will be on hand to cover every second of the fast and frantic action.

"America won't be able to get enough of the Hatenmeiers," said Nigel Nigel, the show’s producer. "As any pinochle aficionado knows, they are the dominant force of pinochle, with a 14-year unbeaten streak as the crowning glory in their 52 year sexless marriage.”

“Will their bitter rivals and next-door neighbors, the Smegensteins, finally break through this year? Or will Fred Hatenmeier be able to put up his celebratory 'Frank Smegenstein Is My Pinochle Bitch, and His Wife Is My Pinochle Whore' light display up again in his Christmas decorations this year? You'll have to tune in to find out."

The Hype-Around

Watch as our distinguished panel of sports writers, circus freaks and adult film fluffers discuss the sports events of the day in a non-stop circle jerk of hype.

Did Peyton Manning's breakthrough win against the Patriots make him the greatest big-game quarterback of this or any other generation?

Is this year's Super Bowl a cinematic masterpiece, a new way out in Iraq, and a cure for colon cancer?

Will this year's Pro Bowl make you forget every other Pro Bowl?

Find out... only on The Hype Around!