Better Heckling

FTT has been to any number (Chico Voice On -- we got lots of numbers – take any one you want) of games, and listened to any number of hecklers. Hell, we’ve even shouted our own. We did, after all, grow up in Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Degradation.

Most heckles are more tired and played out than The Wave, techno, or Marty Schottenheimer. When the ref blows the call and everyone does the iambic Ass Hole or Bull Shit, it’s like farting in an elevator – two seconds of pleasure, then a long awkward stage where you’re just a teensy little bit embarrassed to be there.

So follow these rules and raise your game, Mouth.

1) Enough With The God Damned Cursing.

Unless you are Samuel L. Jackson or a Smurf that works in porn, it’s just not that entertaining to hear so many variations on the word fuck. Get some actual material.

2) Use Simple and Direct Commands

A nice one for the ref that used to destroy whole sections: “Bend over and use your good eye!” See, that’s right to the point, constructive, and educational. It’s also out there in two seconds flat, and Makes You Think.

3) Props and Prep Work

Heckling does not mean showing up at the game with signs and GWAR-ready costumes. Those only block the view of people who paid good money to go to a game, rather than to try to get on camera. Good heckling is not about getting on television.

But that doesn’t mean that all props go in the Carrot Top bin of Useless Crap along with, well, Carrot Top. One of the finer moments of heckling ever involved a zip-lock bag of flour / dummy cocaine, the ’86 Mets, and a little kid Mets fan who unwittingly recreated the Mean Joe Green Coke ad. I’m amazed we weren’t all killed. But of course, this is hard to pull off in an era of heightened security. We’ve lost something here, people. The terrorists may have already won.



You can, of course, do good work with a personalized game jersey (Hat Tip: Deadspin). Warning: May Cause Actual Herpes.

4) Get Meta Personal

A great performance by the left-field bleachers at an A’s game, to then-Met Mike Piazza: “Mike! We Know You’re Not Gay!”

In a simple six syllable chant, these proud freaks showed research, cohesion, and got out a message that could be taken in a couple of different ways. Excellent work.

5) Joy In Repetition

One of the simplest rules in comedy: repeat a dumb but enjoyable thing for the instant comedy of a running joke. I was in the stands for a China-USA basketball game, mostly to scout Yao Ming. One of the other Chinese players was Mengke Bateer, a power forward whose image in real life, unlike the Web, gives children nightmares. He might be the ugliest basketball player on the planet. Seriously.


(Small, to spare the pain)

With the game out of hand, we spent most of the second half campaigning for Meng The Merciless (“FEED Meng! OBEY Meng! LOVE Meng!”) to get the ball. He obliged with zombie-riffic post moves that were high comedy, and by the end of the night, there was a Meng Movement in the stands. I’m amazed he’s not still with the Knicks.

6) Know Your Audience

I once had seats right behind home plate for a meaningless Phillies game (imagine that) in late July. The hitter was Milt Thomspon, a slap-hitting platoon outfielder, in the line-up due to injuries. An idiot fan yelled, “Come on Miltie, Homer Number 2!”, hoping to see Milt go deep. I turned to my friend and said, casually, “Yeah, maybe in his life against a lefty.”

At which point Mrs. Thompson, who was sitting behind me, proceeded to dramatically suck all of the air out of the stadium, to show her ability to get mad for her man.

(I wish I could tell you that I rode Miltie like the AAAA mule he was for the rest of the night. But I was 18, this woman had frickin’ lasers coming out of her head, and she outweighed me by at least 40 pounds. Much heckling belongs in the cheap seats.)

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If you heckle this post in the comments, I’ll ignore it like the trained professional I am. (Wipes away tears.) And feel free to contribute your own guidelines / war stories.