Anger Sells Meat

CHICAGO (AdAge.com) -- Burger King's "Whopper Freakout" campaign drove sales of the big burger up double digits, the company told investors Thursday.

We touched on this previously on FTT, but what the hell, numbers are numbers, so I'm hoping BK or a competitor just ups the ante. Couldn't we have someone going on a "Pulp Fiction" style killing spree when someone denies them a Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity? Perhaps a "Lord of the Flies"-esque montage of children storming the counter for Happy Meals? Fundamentalist religious-style self-flaggelation for the sudden and tragic demise of the KFC Famous Bowl?

I, for one, welcome our Violent Fast Food Overlords. Now, GIVE ME MY GODDAMN WHOPPER OR I WILL KILL EVERYONE!

I Don't Think He's Bluffing

So, the next time you are at the rodeo, and someone asks you if you want to join in a game of Last Man Standing? Say no. (Of course, as you are at the rodeo in the first place, we're not thinking you always make the best decisions.)

Video is Not Safe For Work, and has blood and Kenny Rogers (not the pitcher). You've been warned... H/t, With Leather.

A Tale of Two Willaimses

Continuing the theme of the off-season where people can't piss on Milwaukee enough, Bucks guard and probable salary contract year hero Mo Williams is allegedly talking about going to the Heat for less money than the Bucks are willing to offer.

Some folks on the Internet are having a hard time figuring out why going to the Heat, where the old men already have their ring and the coach is old and cranky, would be attractive. The Heat are, let's face it, one long-term injury to D-Wade away from being bad enough to be relocated to the Atlantic Division.

These folks are, of course, missing a few points:

1) The Bucks aren't very good either

2) The Yi Era isn't going to be pretty

3) There is no state income tax in Florida, which helps alleviate the contract

4) The only people who would prefer to live in Milwaukee over Miami are... people who have probably lived in Milwaukee for their whole lives (and probably not all of them, either)

5) Miami's groupies are, how shall we say, in another league over Milwaukee.

Let us, shall we say, go to the tape.

Milwaukee's groupies...



Now, Miami.



Meanwhile in Miami, nominal starting PG Jason Williams is said to be nervous for his job. To which we can only say this -- don't sweat it, White Chocolate. Mo Williams isn't from Viet Nam.

And he doesn't have a Nike ad, either.



Update -- Mo Williams signs for 6 years and $52 million to stay with the Bucks. Guess that mid-level exemption in Miami -- which is to say, $5.3 million a year -- was too far from the number he could get in in the Great White North.

Sacred Cows Of Sports Broadcasting

We dream of a day in which any of these are put on the grill. Mmm, sanctified meat....

> Highlights with catch phrases are better than highlights without catch phrases.

> Any time an athlete performs a charitable act, it must be reported.

> Timeouts are Good at least 98% of the time. The other 2%, they're outstanding.

> The Head Coach puts in incredibly long hours due to his superhuman work ethic -- not because he enjoys being an absent father, micro-manager, or media whore.

> Guys with good character win while guys with bad character lose, and the public enjoys having its sports entertainment reduced to the level of Goofus and Gallant.

> The public never travels or indulges in regional cuisine, so they live vicariously through the gastronomic exploits of broadcasters.

> The broadcast crew, including the camera operators and the technical personnel, must be mentioned and thanked at the end of every season on the air. A specific individual on said crew must also be described as wacky or crazy.

> The entire league is filled with respect and admiration for the character of Aging and Injured Superstar Who Has Never Won A Championship.

> The game that you are watching is not sloppy or dull -- it is a "defensive battle*.

> The athletes you are watching are in incredible shape (Note: Also applies to obese pro wrestlers, pitchers, field goal kickers, bowlers and golfers).

> Athele With An Actual Degree is quite beloved by his intellectual lesser teammates, because everyone always loves people who know more than they do.

Tom Landry Died Without Ever Having Really Lived

NBX.com, the site that shows you just how much you could lose in real sports gambling, is back with another blogtastic contest.

We like to join these things, because they show how we're Important Members of the Sports Blogosphere. (Heh heh. He said member.)

Anyway, this one's for MLB, and it has two big advantages over the last go-around:

1) I pretend to know something about MLB, and

2) Dave "Smoke" Stewart is lending his name to it, making it the first time I've ever had a connection with someone whose bobblehead is in my basement, being an ex-A's season ticket holder. Little Stew spends his days shaking off Jason Kendall and intimidating the bugs in the crawl space. Or maybe he's just got Tourrette's. We'll never know, because he ain't talking.

Smoke also posts at NBX.com, and he warmed the cockles of my heart a month ago by basically calling Roger Clemens a pussy. Given how many times he kicked sand in Roger's face back in the late '80s, I think he's earned the right.

Oh, and also, because the truth is always a defense. Roger Clemens *is* a pussy.

Anyway, here are our first three picks of the year. Wager at your peril, you degenerates.

Mariners over Red Sox -- Take your chalk and shove it.The first start for Dice-K in Boston could be jittery, and coming off a crushing blowout, the Sox may think it's coming too easy. They'll learn that King Felix is not Jeff Weaver. (Can someone -- anyone -- tell me why Jeff Weaver is still in MLB? Does he have photos or something? He makes Fat Sid Ponson's career look explicable.)

Cardinals-Pirates over -- Adam Wainwright is just OK, and the odor of Pat Maholm attracts stray animals for over 100 yards. The Cards break out of their offensive stink and the teams combine to beat the 8 number, especially after tonight's 12 innings of bleah.

White Sox over A's - The A's always stink in April, and they usually make Mark Buerhle look way too good. Add in the more than lingering distrust for Joe Kennedy, and the usual mid-week crowd of budget hot dog eaters at the A's Wednesday matinee, and it's a bad scene for the home team. Sox with the win. (Mmm. Cheap quasi-meat....)

P.S. Cards and Pirates strand 26 (!) baserunners in a 9-inning game, witnessed by a crowd numbering in the several. Cards win 3-2, and Poo Holes continues to metamorphose into 2005 Todd Helton. (That sound you just heard was A Holes' fantasy owners smacking themselves. Hard.)