NFL Week 8: You Crap The Bed

This week, You Crap is brought to you by The Rally For Sanity, highlights of which can be found here. I know it's an odd choice of sponsor, but it's nice reminder that just because other people are soiling their shorts, that doesn't mean you have to as well.

You all know how the game works. Each week, we give you the chance to match, um, wits with men that are paid to make decisions in professional football games. Now, without further ado, let's all play... You Crap The Bed!

1) You are Dallas coach Wade Philips. Down 14-3 with 15 seconds left in the second quarter at home against the Jaguars, you have a fourth and goal on the Jaguars 1 yard line. On third down, RB Marion Barber was stopped for no gain, giving him 6 carries for 8 yards on the day. You have had five drives in Jacksonville territory today, and have just the three points. Do you:

a) Go for it and use QB Jon Kitna, who is 16 for 22 for 193 and even has a few yards scrambling, since the only thing he's really done wrong is have the bad luck to have two tipped balls snagged for INTs, and try to throw for it

b) Get the ball in the hands of hotshot rookie WR Dez Bryant, also known as the only guy that Dallas Fan feels good about this year

c) Bring everyone in tight and run a toss sweep to RB Felix Jones, who looks like Barry Sanders when you compare him to the broken down mule that is Barber

d) Kick the chip shot field goal, endure the boos from the few people left in Dallas who still care, and keep the game to a one possesion situation at the half

e) Give it to Barber again up the gut, because there's no way that Kitna and he will have a botched handoff, or that the Jaguars can be expecting that and pack the middle, or that he could fail and have this be yet another defining moment of failure in a nightmare season of suck

If you chose (e), preferably while calling your wife to make sure that the movers are using bubble wrap instead of those damn packing peanuts... congratulations! You Crap The Bed! And you've won the mocking laughter of the entire nation of Cowboy Haters, all of whom are going to miss you very, very much. (Oh, and we all appreciate that you got Barber his touchdown in the fourth quarter, cutting the Jaguar lead to 28-10.) Well done!

2) You are Vikings coach Brad Childress. With just under two minutes left in the first half on the road in New England, QB Brett Favre takes a checkdown to RB Toby Gerhart, who gets it just inside the one yard line. The game is tied at 7. With four and goal with 1:07 left, you choose to:

a) Direct snap it to WR Percy Harvin, who has been your best player today and gives you more of an option to avoid a packed in, defend less space kind of play call

b) Put the ball in Favre's hands, and see if he can get it to TE Visanthe Schiancoe on play action

c) Spread the defense with multiple WRs, and have Favre take it in on a sneak

d) Kick the field goal and take the halftime lead, knowing that when you have a 2-4 (soon to be 2-5) record, it's not as if you can get cute, especially on the road

e) Channel your inner Wade Philips and give the ball to RB Adrian Peterson on a relatively slow starting run to right tackle, because it's not as if the defense will be keyed on him at all, especially when there are no other skill players on the field

If you choose (e), then watch Peterson got smoked in the backfield, congratulations... You Crap The Bed! And you've won the shrugging acceptance your fan base, along with my grateful appreciation, since I started writing up this entry EVEN WHILE IT WAS HAPPENING, since I've got such faith in your abilities. Well done!

And fnally...

3) You are Redskins coach Mike Shanahan. It's 31-25 Detroit with 1:50 left. Starting QB Donovan McNabb is 17 for 30 for 210 yards, with one pick and one touchdown. After the kickoff return, do you:

a) Work the middle with TEs Chris Cooley and Fred Davis in an attempt to get the ball close enough to take a shot at the end zone, seeing how McNabb has a big arm

b) Roll McNabb out to try to avoid the Detroit pass rush, and go for emerging deep threat Anthony Armstrong

c) Throw a bubble screen to Santana Moss to make sure that you can get that first move of the chains, since momentum is always key in the two minute drill

d) Run a draw to second string RB Keiland Williams, since first string RB Ryan Torain is out with an injury, or

e) Pull McNabb for Rex Grossman (no, seriously, Rex Grossman), watch the Rex Cannon give up a touchdown on a fumble, then compound the post-game awkwardness by claiming that Rexy gave you the best chance to win since he's better in the two minute drill

If you chose (e)... no, seriously? You'd choose to throw down with Sexy Rexy in clutch time, when he's ice cold and one of the worst players to ever play the position? And it's not as if McNabb has stunk up the joint here; his QB rating nearly 90 in a road game with pretty mediocre weapons, with an offensive line that can't keep him clean. Wow. You really can't be serious, can you?

Well, you've crapped the bed, all right. You've also created a QB controversy before a bye week, given the Washington media a chance to spend weeks discussing McNabb's contract situation, made Redskin Fan think that you are Jim Zorn 2 in terms of intellectual rigor, and given every football fan in America reason to question your sanity and/or senility.

All for Rex Freaking Grossman. Honestly, I'm speechless. After all this time honoring Norv Turner and Andy Reid, You Crap has to seriously consider moving Shanahan past them, from this single unspeakable turd. And with the Skins next game being a MNF affair at home against the Eagles in which McNabb is said to still be the starter, the potential for season-ending sheet befoulment is entirely in play.

Anyway... that's all that we have time for this week. We'll see you here for Week Nine to see who, exactly, has Crapped The Bed! Good night, everybody!