The Stars Lost And I Didn't Watch
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| I'm going to be bitter about this for seconds |
And you might think, given that the Stars were my team as a child, I'm from Philadelphia, I've written about joining fantasy leagues for the AAFL, XFL and now USFL, that I watched it.
Nope.
Part of this is circumstance; finances dictate that I spend an inordinate amount of time prospecting for the next client(s) to keep the family going, and I also do rideshare. But even when I had "free" time earlier this year, I wasn't watching a lot of the USFL. Here's why.
1) Peacock. Games are advertised as free, then not, then broadcast on a bug-tastic platform that does fun things like stop showing you the game in the fourth quarter because some numbnuts at Peacock HQ can't figure out that sports events might go beyond their predicted run time. Watching the USFL meant that some part of you had to be OK with this abomination getting your time and money, and, well, nope.
2) Football is blood sport. We always knew this, but we also used to pretend it wasn't, if only because the coaches were old players, really old guys who used to play the game existed and lived into their 70s and beyond, and we used to think head injuries were just like what happened to beloved cartoon characters. (He got his bell rung! Waka waka! Now he's overwhelmingly more likely to murder his loved ones later in life! Hope his team is inspired enough to make up for his loss that they come back and win, or at least cover the spread. I know what's important in life.)
3) The NFL isn't threatened by this. Hell, the NFL is borderline encouraging it, what with all of the ex camp bodies, coaches, broadcast personnel et al. Look at that smooched trophy above; it's basically the Lombardi for toddlers. Anyone watching spring football isn't watching the NBA or MLB, after all. And if the NFL isn't threatened, then there's no chance that what I'm watching will eventually matter as it's folded into a bigger league, or becomes the relegation area for Daniel Snyder in his holy quest to ruin the lives of DC Football fans forever. (You are doing the Lord's work, Daniel. Great will be your reward for your secret mission in Eagles Heaven.)
Part of the fun of watching USFL1 was hearing NFL people either tell you that Jim Kelly and Reggie White weren't actually good, or grumbling about how the league could have possibly not gotten Jim Kelly and Reggie White.
4) I'm not 12. 12-year-olds are stupid. They do stupid things. I routinely rode my bike for miles just for the hell of seeing how fast I could go down hills, because I had a rich internal fantasy life of being Speed Racer on a bicycle. (Can I also make sure that Racer X, secretly but probably not so secretly my older brother, seems like a bad guy and loses? As noted previously, a rich internal fantasy life.) Rooting for a spring football team because they had cool uniforms, going to games and attending their championship victory parade (4 trucks! Dozens of people applauding! Hundreds of random pedestrians wondering what the hell is this!) is, well, stupid. Going full ham on USFL2 in my '50s in a non-ironic way would probably make my friends and family plan an intervention.
Also, this: when you are 12 and there is a new thing, it's *yours* in a way that Old Man Fan just can't possibly get. You don't know who all of these teams are? You think a team named after Gambling is stupid? You think Steve Young signing a 25-year contract with a team that plays in an empty mausoleum while looking like he works for FedEx isn't going to work out? Well, that just shows what you know, OLD MAN! I'm going to root twice as hard for the USFL now, and not just because the Eagles at the time were like watching a pet dog you didn't like die of kidney failure. SO THERE, OLD MAN! I'm going to go ride my bike in the woods alone, fast, and without a helmet, knee pads or a cell phone.
5) There was no villain to root against. You know what USFL Original (USFL Classic?) had going for it? The fact that the New Jersey Generals were a rent-a-team with big mercenary names (Doug Flutie! Herschel Walker! Who presumably hadn't fathered most of Georgia yet!) that were owned and operated by... Donald Trump.
Folks, there was no better occupation *ever* for ol' Dumb Dictator Donny than USFL team owner. It burned him alive that the NFL was too smart to allow him entry, since everything he's ever touched (including, alas, the Presidency, democracy, and the United States as a potentially functioning entity) has turned to fecal matter. It burned him even more that his slapdash team were the Generals to the Stars' Globetrotters, losing both times they met in the playoffs, and generally looking like second-rate wrestling heel jobbers. Rooting for the Stars to win meant you were also rooting for Donald Trump to lose, and if the last half dozen years of American life has taught us anything, it's taught us that so, so many people will pay time and money to watch Donald Trump lose.
What team was I supposed to really want to lose in USFL2, Electric Boogaloo? These were all nice enough people just chasing a dream that's likely long past. Maybe Jeff Fisher because Jeff Fisher is a malignant toad, but his Michigan Panthers tanked the first pick and stunk anyway. Maybe the Generals for old times sake, or maybe the Stallions for having the ridiculous advantage of all of their games being played at home, and actually getting a home-field advantage that no other team had, because people in Alabama have nothing better to do in the spring then care about minor league football. Boo. Hiss. Yawn.
So, no, didn't watch the Stars much this year. Might in future years, but only if time and circumstances change. (And no, not even if there's a Trump involved to root against. I'm not, well, 12. Though I really should get back on the bike.)
