Sunday, February 12, 2023

Super Bowl: Game Notes

 > The NFL decided that the field at the Super Bowl should be painted and slippery as possible. Good move.

> First drive, like every other first drive in this playoff year. QB Jalen Hurts looking better than any other point, and WR Devonta Smith owning. I have no idea how you play defense against this team. It's wonderful.

> Kansas City's offense goes the length of the field, and QB Patrick Mahomes wasn't bothered during any of it. If you want to go back to trashing Jonathan Gannon and thinking the Eagle defense can't stop good QBs, yeah. Sheesh. Oh, and his ankle looks fine. Rut roh.

> A 10-yard penalty on a smoke screen, then a meh rushing play, weak sauce short pass and not enough pass protection. 3 and out against Mahomes is not advised.

> All day for Mahomes, TE Travis Kelce just absurdly open. KC fails on third and short, leading to K Harrison Butker smashing it off the upright from 42 yards. I'll take any stop I can get against this offense.

> Hurts hits WR AJ Brown for an absolute you aren't as good as us play, and it's Eagles 14, Chiefs 7. Wow.

> A three and out as CB James Bradberry cashes in his All-Pro card to get a call. PR Britain Covey isn't as fast as he thinks he is, so.

> Hurts thwarts a 3rd and 8 blitz and converts to WR Zach Pascal. Huge play, great play.

> So far, RB Kenneth Gainwell looks a lot better than nominal RB1 Miles Sanders.

> Eagles self-destruct on the sneak play with an Issac Seumalo, then Hurts fumbles on a bad keep idea for a return touchdown. That's the kind of mistakes that you just can't make against a good team in the playoffs. F***. Tie game.

> On 4th and 5, draw by Hurts, keeps his feet, huge play. Even bigger, drawing an offsides on 4th and 2. Just your standard 75-yard right down your throat drive after the mistake. Eagle Fan chants MVP. 21-14 Green.

> Mahomes can't convert on a scramble and aggravates the ankle injury. Covey with a big return and this game is in a lot of flux. Eagles with timeouts, field position, and the chance to make it a 2-score game.

> Deep ball to Smith, replays, fantastic effort... and ruled a drop after enough time to start a million conspiracy theories. Should not have been changed.

> Hurts runs throw traffic to convert yet another sneak, this one with more damage. Another great play by Brown gets them close, but Gainwell is tackled in bounds to burn the last timeout. K Jake Elliot converts, and it's 24-14 Green, with 22 minutes of time of possession. Eagle Fan has a lot more to like than Chief Fan so far, but we're a long way from done.

> 5-minute knife through butter drive for Kansas City, and if Butker had hit the field goal, this game would be tied despite all of that time of possession. GAHHH.

> Terrible smoke screen, fumble, touchdown. If that isn't overturned, it's the second awful replay call of the game for the Chiefs, and a complete disaster. Overturned. Phew. Huge conversion on 3rd and 6 to TE Dallas Goedert. WR Quez Watkins doesn't pull in a great deep ball. It leads to a delay of game, then on 3rd and 14, it's a sideline ball to Goedert and another moment of where snapping the ball before the other team can challenge is completely subverted. Loving the refs in this game so, so much. It's fun when you don't have to challenge plays; it lets Andy Reid be a much better coach. Ruling stands, improbably.

> A ton of long clock by the Eagles offense in this game; suspect it wasn't all intentional. The drive stalls, Elliot converts, and it's 27-21. Drama. Goddamned drama. This much time of possession, you'd think the running game would have been more effective by now...

> Third quarter ends with easy running plays for the Chiefs to move the ball into Eagles territory. Not loving the defense at all today; no sacks, no turnovers, not nearly enough disruptive plays. Might need some to close the deal... but, um, nope. Reid totally schools Gannon, Chiefs take their first lead of the game, 28-27. Arizona might want to rethink that job offer; just inexcusable that a defense with this much fresh bodies and talent just never makes the offense uncomfortable.

> A 3 and out, a bad punt by P Arron Siposs, a huge return by Chiefs WR Kadarius Toney, and this game is going away with a quickness. Full blitz, walk in touchdown to an uncovered receiver. Gannon is completely exposed; 3 straight effortless touchdowns. Butker converts. Chiefs 35, Eagles 27, and unless Hurts wants to do everything and then play defense, this one's over.

> 46-yard pass to Smith, sneak, then Hurts smashes his way in for a 2-point conversion. Good lord, what a player. Now if he could only play defense. 35-all.

> Mahomes with the ankle sprints for a huge play. Sure. Why not. I feel like my laundry's best chance is to allow the touchdown quickly, have Kansas City kick the extra point, and expect Hurts to lead the team to another touchdown and 2-point conversion. Hard to win a game without a defense, folks.

> 5-yard marginal flag on 3rd and 9 ends the season. I have no idea why I watch football. Eagle defense tries to give up, but Jerrick MacKinnon is too smart for it, so the game is over. The most talented Eagle team in history loses on refs, defensive coordinator incompetence, and if you wonder why you bother to watch football, I don't blame you at all. Good night.

> Game ends on a pointless incompletion, and that's that. Moving on.

Super Bowl: Not Game Notes

 > "Lift Every Voice And Sing" is a dramatically better national anthem. Just switch it.

> Watching Dak Prescott get booed while accepting the Walter Payton Man of the Year charity award? High comedy. I love Eagle Fan, who has clearly turned this into an Eagles home game.

> I also enjoyed Fox cutting to Prescott looking like a hamster in a headlight during Sheryl Lee Ralph singing. Good look, Dak.

> Massive booing of the Chiefs. Muted stupid racist chant.

> Why Fox needed DJ Khaled to do some weird stripper hype intro, we'll never know. America! Love it or be puzzled by it!

> I missed the memo on why we needed three different songs about the country before playing a football game... but once more, Ammerica! Love it or be puzzled by it!

> Eagles head coach Nick Siriani, just weeping like a faucet. Win the game and we'll think that's fine, Nick. Otherwise... SUSPECT.

> Women fly military jets, too! Yay, woke military industrial complex!

> Menopause ads. DAMN WOKE AMURIKA.

> Harold Carmichael, flapping his arms. Yes, it's a home game.

> Eating avocados makes you naked. Don't eat avocados.

> E-Trade wants babies to be promiscuous. That sound you just heard was QAnon rising as one.

> Remy Martin requires me to listen to a weird motivational speech before drinking it. OK.

> Paramount spent 30 seconds on Sylvester Stallone sneezing. Good use of resources.

> I am out of touch. But Rihanna looks like a chaos muppet in that outfit.

> Michelob Ultra wants everyone to remember "Caddyshack." Why?

> Fine concert. Too many people will just remember it for whether or not the black female singer is pregnant. You can see what this says about our priorities.

> Electrified Jeeps cause animals to adopt human dance. This is why you should buy one.

> The biggest and wealthiest scumbags in the world were at the game, and Fox decided we needed to see them. Great.

> I like Pop Corners. I like Breaking Bad. Not sure why this needed mixing. Whatever.

> If I buy an electric truck, my penis won't work. OK.

> People who care about dogs should be eaten by wolves, because beer.