Saturday, June 25, 2022

Not Sports At All: My Dream Joe Biden Speech Right Now

 My fellow Americans, I'm coming to you today, because we are in a crisis. I promise to be brief.

The conservative members of the Supreme Court have lied to America. They testified in Congress that they would respect precedent. They have not. They swore an oath to serve the entire country, rather than their core constituents. They have not. Their actions bear all of the hallmarks of bad faith, and their actions are going to kill Americans. Not zygotes, not fetuses that may or not be viable later, but fully independent Americans who vote, pay taxes, and should not be forced by the state that they happen to live in to go through a pregnancy, and risk their lives at a factor of 20 times a safe and legal abortion, against their will.

Anyone who wants to believe that fertilized embryos are equivalent to children, and that women should be forced to give birth against their will, is willfully ignorant at best, and acting in bad faith at worst. The United States is one of the few countries in the world that is about to roll back reproductive rights in this century. 

After a lot of consideration, I have decided that it will not do so on my watch.

The Supreme Court is out of control. It has been taken over by a dangerous cabal of individuals who cloak policy decisions in an indefensible philosophy that ignores centuries of social progress if and when it suits their personal interests. 

As the head of a separate and equal branch of government, simply adhering to the rulings of a handful of suspect individuals with lifetime tenure is insanity.

I don't come to this judgment lightly. I have spent my life reaching across the aisle, bridging compromises, building relationships with people that don't agree with me very often. This is no longer tenable. Enabling people of bad faith is not the job of a competent Executive Branch. Just as Abraham Lincoln did not shrink from his beliefs when the Supreme Court attempted to make slavery a nation-wide tolerated practice in Dred Scott, I will act in accordance to not enabling forced pregnancy in Dobbs.

Towards that end, I am now directing my Administration and the Congress to do the following.

1) I am directing all members of the Executive Branch and Armed Services to the following point. Abortion services are now legal on every inch of federally owned land, no matter what state that land is in. Doctors and patients can contact my Administration to work out services across the United States. There will be a web site. Physical sites will be maintained and protected by active members of the United States military. Protestors at these sites will be subject to the discretionary security decisions of active members of the United States military.

2) I direct the Congress to immediately enact a Code of Conduct on the Supreme Court. This is the only Court in the land that does not have one. That's incorrect on its face.

3) I ask the Congress to immediately call for the impeachment of Clarence Thomas for complicity in the January 6th insurrection.

4) I ask for the Department of Justice to place Clarence and Ginni Thomas into custody pending criminal prosecution for their roles in the January 6th insurrection.

5) I cordially ask for all members of the current Court to tender their resignation, as the current institution has shown itself to be completely unsuited to the tasks at hand. As Justice Jackson is not a member of the current Court, she is the only Justice not subject to this request.

6) I ask the Congress to immediately call for the expansion of the Court to fifteen Justices, and for the term of each Justice to be limited to 12 years or less. So that all of the Justices are not up for renewal at once, they will be term-limited in groups of five for every four years. 

This is being done purposefully to limit the power of individual Justices, and to ensure that corruption from longer terms no longer impacts the Court. The new Justices will be named by an independent bipartisan committee, and the new Court will be unable to issue rulings for less than a 10-5 majority. 

To anyone who believes that the Constitution mandates that all of these changes are not permissible, I would request that you read the Constitution. You will find it has very little to say about how the Supreme Court should operate. That's because the Founders did not claim to have all of the answers, or that they thought public policy should freeze in place. That's a major reason why I'm calling for the resignation of all current Justices. They have shown through their actions to be acting in bad faith.

7) Similarly in terms of the current Court's desire to allow for concealed carry for handguns in areas that, tellingly, individual Justices do not have to live in, I am directing an immediate security detail to be in the presence of their homes and work areas at all times, with concealed carry for an undisclosed percentage of the detail. The days of ruling for others without being subject to those rules for yourself are at an end. If you don't like these rules, resign.

I realize that many will consider these changes to be dramatic or will classify them to be an over-reaction. Others will question my motives and claim they are being done for political gains only, given the current historic low in public confidence for the current Court. And to them, I say this.

This Court has squandered the public's trust. This Court has acted in bad faith. This Court has harmed America. This Court is an active threat and affront to American values. 

This Court will atone.

Finally, this. Some will see this as a power grab by a standing President, and a weakening of an equal branch of government. To which I would say again, read the Constitution. Judicial review is not a power granted to the Court. Nine Justices isn't dictated. Lifetime tenure in the 18th century is not equivalent to lifetime tenure now.

And if you think I'm doing this to ensure re-election in 2024, one final point.

I'm now formally announcing that I will not seek, nor accept, my party's nomination in 2024.

Good night, and God Bless America.

Sunday, June 5, 2022

The Duh Privilege Moment

Barely Worth The Free Price
I cut cable years ago, and haven't missed it at all, really. When my teams are live, I up my Hulu account; when they are eliminated, I dial it back to basic. So my Hulu live sports access ended when the Sixers ended. It'll go back to full access when the Eagles' regular season starts. Until then, I'll pocket the money, which is not small and is very much needed.

Which leads to the following experience: listening to an audio-only feed of the NBA Finals game tonight, because paying for a game that would play in the background while I feverishly do other things for money... well, no. I'll watch the highlights later, pocket the $75 or so and/or avoid having to remember to turn off some dodgy not free trial, and rest easy in the knowledge that ESPN will get no money from me at all for a series that I'm sure is fine hoop and all, but dear God, I just don't have the time for it.

Now, compare this to, well, the sports experience for most of my adult life.

The game is on, cable is never cut, and even if you don't have cable, the game is on free broadcast television. Sports is ingrained in the culture and shared at every economic level, because it's a long play and poor people can eventually make money and buy tickets and jerseys and what not.

Now? Not so much. The game is available everywhere thanks to phones, but we're going to monetize and exclude. You might have more luck getting it for free in some other country, or through some malware provider.

It's hard not to be a curmudgeon about this sort of thing, rather than just see it as it is -- the NBA cashing in while it can, in a constantly fragmenting media market, and hoping that highlights and video games and other channels will solve for the mass market coverage that used to be easy.

Today? You are going to pay. Or, today at least, not.

Citizens Bank Phillies Radio Ad Meeting

Meeting Come To Order
Marketing Coordinator: OK, folks, we've got to come up with the radio spot for Citizens Bank for the 2022 Phillies radio season.

Media Buyer: What's the target market we're trying to reach here?

Account Lead: Dead-end rideshare drivers that we're trying to torture into insanity, hospice guests who need a shove, and people who are trapped under something heavy.

Media Buyer: OK, so the usual sports radio market. Should we make more than one of these?

(Entire creative group shudders)

Account Lead: Um, no, and I've got a TikTok feed I need to get back to which I'm classifying as research. Any ideas?

Creative Lead Who Has Never Watched Or Listened To A Baseball Game In Their Life: I'd just like to point out that I've never watched or listened to a baseball game in my life. 

Account Lead: As have we all. What's your point?

Creative Lead: Well, I did watch three minutes of "Moneyball" on a plane six months ago, and it seemed like people who watch baseball seems to like statistics.

(Entire group shudders)

Account Lead: This TikTok feed isn't going to watch itself. What's your point?

Creative Lead: Well, we could say that Citizens Bank aren't just fans -- they're fanatics. And as fanatics, they would care about things that hardcore baseball fans care about.

Media Buyer: You mean like who is the most effective pitchers and hitters? 

Creative Lead: No, like how many square feet of grass there is, and that Citizens is obsessed with things like sunflower seeds. Sunflower seeds are, I believe, required for proper baseballing.

Media Buyer: I'm going to go back to my laundry.

Account Lead: I like it, in that I stopped listening 14 seconds ago. You have enough for a 30-second script that we can play on heavy rotation and help cause people across the Delaware Valley to snap?

Creative Lead: Yes. We'll get a Sassy Black Woman to voice it so that we can pretend out industry is diverse.

Media Buyer: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Account Lead: Good idea. Should we vet this for sanity against anyone who actually listens to baseball games?

(Entire group laughs)

Creative Lead: That's so funny!

Account Lead: Good work, everyone. See you in 12 months.

Media Buyer: Hey, before we break -- should we do a refresh of the Rothman Orthopedic spot?

Account Lead: What's the body count at?

Media Buyer (checks tracker): 8,027. 

Account Lead: Ping me back when we get to 10K.

Creative Lead: We're getting pretty darn good at sitting!

(Entire group laughs)

(camera pans back to see pooling blood, fades to black)