NFL Week 4: You Crap The Bed, Or Should I Say, You Andy Reid The Bed

This week, we had to fight off the temptation to rename the whole damn show to You Reid The Bed. But first, let's take care of two other noted contributors. Let's Crap!

You all know how the game is played. We give you, the general public that is in no way paid to make decisions, the chance to see how you'd do against NFL professionals. If you choose wisely, you soil the sheets in public and shame yourself and your family in front of millions.

1) You are Chicago Bears offensive coordinator Mike Martz. In a road SNF game against the desperate Giants, you have a makeshift offensive line and have given up an alarming number of sacks of, well, I guess we have to call him franchise QB Jay Cutler. Your defense is playing well, however, and the Giants do not get off to a big early lead. Your special teams have also played to equilibrium. Do you:

a) Use RB Matt Forte to try to establish the run, which should have a certain element of surprise, given that the world knows you are pass-wacky

b) Throw the ball, but work in a large number of slants, screens and outs, so that the ball is out of the pocket fast

c) Run your traditional deep ball offense, but if things start to go badly and you aren't out of the game, adjust to a more conservative approach, since it's a long season and you want your QB to play past Halloween

d) Run your traditional offense beyond all points of sanity and endurance, because you secretly hate Cutler and want to see him killed

e) Watch Cutler get sacked nine (9!) times in the first half to the point of concussion, then do the exact same offense with backup Todd Collins until he gets knocked out of the game, because you also hate Collins, and for that matter, third-stringer Caleb Hannie

If you choose (e)... congratulations! You've crapped the bed in a way that only Mike Martz can. And you've won the team's first loss of the year against a ready to die Giants team, and the first of what will be many reminders that your Genius Days in St. Louis were many years ago. It's likely that all of your QBs will be eating through straws by Thanksgiving. Well done!

2) You are Niners CB Nate Clements. With time running out in the fourth quarter in a road game against the best-in-division Falcons, you are part of a defense that is clinging to a 14-13 lead. On a second and nine at the Falcons 46, you jump a route to TE Tony Gonzalez, make the interception and turn it up field. With nothing but green field and the anguish of Falcon Fans upon you, you decide to:

a) Find some ground on the slightest hint of opponent pressure, since the possession is absolutely critical, and would give your team's best player, RB Frank Gore, the chance to salt it away

b) Just hit the ground, since that will save you energy, and with QB Alex Smith around, it's not as if you won't have to come back and stop the Falcons again later

c) Considering how much WR Roddy White has owned you today (7 catches for 104 yards on a day where QB Matt Ryan isn't at his best), maybe take a look around to make sure that someone isn't gaining on you as you run

d) No, seriously, make sure that you've secured possession of the ball, because if some Falcon runs you down and makes the strip, and that winds up being the key play in a defeat-from-victory game for your 0-4 team, you can pretty much put that on your football tombstone right now

e) Go hero-for-broke to score the touchdown, because it's not as if White will run you down, strip the football and save the game against your cursed bunch of losers

If you've chosen (e), congratulations... you are the new Leon Lett. And you've provided the signature highlight of the year for a breathtakingly bad year that's going to get your coach fired and your organization razed to the ground. Again. Well done!

And now, let's bring on the man that has redefined Bed Crapping in our time. The man who brings creativity and innovation to the singular pursuit of squandering talent and personnel development. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the one, the only, the immortal..,

3) You are Eagles coach Andy Reid. Down 17-3 at home to the Redskins, backup QB Kevin Kolb and RB LeSean McCoy team up for a 14-play drive that takes up over 8 minutes on the clock. On third and 2 from the Redskins two with under a minute left in the first half, you issue a pre-emptive Bed Crapping by running McCoy into the line for a yard. The RB makes the extra effort to get close enough to the goal line to prompt a replay review. Do you:

a) Use the roughly five minutes of replay challenge and commercial time to figure out a fourth down play, since a field goal at the end of this drive would just be soul-killing

b) No, seriously, you've got a ludicrous amount of time to figure out a play call here, it would be unbelievably insane to not be prepared to call a play in case the replay doesn't overturn the call on the field

c) Go nuts on the referee in case the spot is made worse, trusting your inexperienced backup QB to get the most important play call of the game off without a lot of supervision

d) Call another timeout after the replay challenge, so you can properly articulate your displeasure with the refs for the unsatisfying spot, or

e) Both (c) and (d), but then add on a life-defining failure to get a play called before a delay of play penalty is committed, because it's not as if you should have to get a play call in, oh, ten minutes of real time, or that you'd have anyone to notice when the play clock starts

If you've chosen (e)... well, of course you've crapped the bed, that goes without saying. But we need to say something about the consistency of your discharge. It's not stopping at your sleeping area. It's got the molecular density of a dwarf star, so it's smashing through the floorboards, ruining the foundation, and possibly penetrating the crust of the earth. And your monumental effort has won a real shot at four more points on the board (amazingly, kicker David Akers didn't complete the bed crappery by missing the chip shot field goal), which is to say, the final margin of defeat in a 17-12 game, since you wind up going for two later.

And while we realize this is more of a monumental screw-up than awful decision making... well, it's still arguably the most that a bed has ever beeen crapped, really. And the really magical thing is that the group of Eagle Fans that I was watching this game weren't even all that disgusted, or surprised. After a decade of increasingly awful decisions in these situations, we're all just kind of used to it. You know, like a crime victim being stabbed. Then crapped on. After the first 20 or 30 hacks, you really stop feeling it. Right?

Well folks, that's all we've got the time or stomach for this week. We'll see you next week, when Cap'n Andy and two other NFL players or coaches... Crap The Bed! Good night, everyone!