Top 10 future NBA jersey sponsorships

According to noted NBA owner and futurist Mark Cuban, ads on the front of jerseys, like you see on Euro soccer players, are a matter of how much, not if or when.

We need to take this very seriously, since Cubes is a dot-com millionaire, and a man who brought us the life-changing experience that is the UFL *and* unrelenting chatter as to why YouTube Is Doomed.

So he's very, very smart. Just ask him. And I, for one, can't wait to pay to wear laundry like...

10) Krispy Kreme and the New York Knicks. The Eddy Curry jersey alone will be worth it, and the Mike D'Antoni club is all empty calories anyway. So let's just make it official, shall we?

9) Hardee's and the Charlotte Bobcats. Cheap and bad for you, just like prolonged exposure to Larry Brown or Michael Jordan. And the end? That won't be pretty at all...

8) Jack in the Box and the LA Clippers. Honestly, I like Jack's a little too much to stick them with the Clip Show. But when your ads steal money from dead men, you are right up Donald Sterling's alley, really. Especially if the dead men are in a bad enough way to let you be their slumlord.



7) Dunkin' Donuts and the Boston Celtics. You will be shocked to hear this, but New Englanders? They like their Dunkin'. To the point where you start to wonder if patronizing them makes you complicit. Or just gassy and jittery...

6) Coke Zero and the Atlanta Hawks. Since the whole point of this advertising campaign is to say how the product is just like another product when it really isn't, the same would go for the sponsorship. And team!

5) Old Milwaukee and the Milwaukee Bucks. Sure, you really hope you can afford better than this sterno in a can, but you live in Milwaukee, so who's fooling who? There's much to fear here, really.

4) Philadelphia Pretzel Factory for the Philadelphia 76ers. It's a taste that you acquire in childhood, can't really get away from as an adult, raises your blood pressure and is indefensible from a nutrition or cultural standpoint. If the franchise would only trade away their best assets for 20% on the dollar every decade, we'd have this down cold, really...

3) Peet's Coffee for the Portland Trail Blazers. How to prove that you are truly cutting edge; be a snob about something that you are going to pee in an hour or two, and convince yourself that other people somehow give a damn about your tastes in future urine.

(Honestly, in a country with 10% unemployment and stagnant wages, premium coffee still exists? And so, for that matter, Paul Allen still has money? It's been a solid decade since this numbnuts got paid. Hasn't he, well, pissed it all away by now? And people wonder why the kids are losing their faith in free markets. Moving on.)

2) The Las Vegas Tourist Board for the Sacramento Kings. When you live in California's answer to Arkansas -- aka, an unrelenting land of flat, cows, meth labs and sad politics, and I can say this about both Arkansas and Sacramento, since they don't have the Internet there -- you are usually someone that doesn't have enough going on to go somewhere else. And yet you still dream of an undeserved big payday that lets you leave it all behind. There's absolutely no corollary here to what the owners want to do with the team, really.

1) Massengill Disposable Douche for the Miami Heat. Yes, I know, it's not a local franchise. But since everyone thinks he is one now anyway, that's just good marketing. You know, kind of like announcing your decision on national television in a long, drawn-out and relentlessly irritating show that combines everything that people hate about sports -- pampered athletes, big market dominance and the smarmy sleaze of ESPN sanctifying the whole thing -- in one perfect stew of hate. Own it!