NFL Week 5: Are You Ready For Some Bed Crapping?

This week on You Crap, we went well into Tuesday morning to bring you stunning moments of Bed Crappery. You have to really hand it to the coaches and players here -- despite the 40 years that we've been playing You Crap, the ways in which the sheets go down just keep getting more and more inventive.

You all know how the game is played. We give you, the general public that is in no way paid to make decisions, the chance to see how you'd do against paid NFL professionals. If you choose wisely, you make it stinky. Good and stinky. Now, let's play the game!

1) You are Eagles coach Andy Reid. With a 17-10 lead on the road in the third quarter against the winless and desperate Niners, you have a third and 1 on the Niner 30. You don't particularly want to try a long field goal here, since the winds in Candlestick are tricky, and K David Akers isn't terribly great from long distance anymore. You also have a pattern for years of struggling in short yardage. Do you:

a) Give the ball to your best back, LeSean McCoy, who has been effective for much of this game, behind a line of backups that's been better at run blocking than pass blocking tonight

b) Sneak it with QB Kevin Kolb, who has made some plays with his feet in this game, and will make more

c) Direct snap it to WR DeSean Jacskon, who at least has some experience in this sort of play, and is your most explosive runner

d) Go play-action with Kolb, who is in the NFL for his accuracy, and has played well in this game, or

e) Run the direct snap, but to third-string RB Eldra Buckley, who has not been on the field for a single offensive play, and is therefore so fresh that he's sure to make the yardage

If you choose (e)... well, of course you would, really. You're Andy Reid, after all, and if you don't crap the bed at least once a game, your team really starts to worry that you've lost your joy for the game. And you've won a big momentum stop for the struggling road team, and fostered the conditions that will lead to a pointlessly close game against a terrible team. It'll also get worse on the inevitable fourth down failure, but after that Buckley play, every Eagle Fan was just happy that the failure on fourth wasn't a defensive touchdown.

(And note that we aren't even going into the third and two pass attempt from your own 28 with 1:41 left, which allowed the Niners to stop the clock without using a time out due to the inevitable incomplete. When you crap the bed every week, you've pretty much earned that second crap as a gimme.)

2) You are Minnesota coach Brad Childress. On the road in New York, you are down 15-7, with the offense showing signs of life after nearly three quarters of incompetence. Ancient QB and penis photo enthusiast Brett Favre hits WR Percy Harvin on a crossing route, and the talented young WR takes it to the house on a great catch for the score. Down 2 with 13 minutes left, you choose to:

a) Kick the extra point, because there's still a lot of time left in the game, two point conversions are a losing bet, and that missed point frequently comes back to haunt you

b) Go for two and the tie with RB Adrian Peterson, who has 74 yards at this point in the game, and has been tearing up big chunks of yardage for the last 10 minutes

c) Go for two on a jump ball to WR Randy Moss, who routinely has the physical advantage in tight quarters, and rarely gets called for offensive pass interference in such situations

d) Go for two on a short tight throw to TE Visanthe Schiancoe, who is Favre's favorite target this year, or give it to Harvin on an end-around, or...

e) Show your Andy Reid pedigree by somehow having to call a timeout, because Favre is too busy jumping around like a little kid out there to realize that they might want to go for two in that situation, and when you finally do make the call, have the main focus on the single-option rollout be the backup fullback

If you've chosen (e), well, we're all impressed with your Chillyness, but you've got a ways to go before you can be compared to the master. But you've won a critical mistake in a game you could have easily stolen away, along with a two-score deficit after RB Shonn Greene scores a touchdown, a time out that you really could have used, and the continuing earned disdain from Vikings Fan that you are the weak link that will prevent any chance of long-term success. BUT WAIT....

3) You are New York Jets offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer. With just over 2 minutes left in the fourth and your team clinging to a 2-point lead, you have a 2nd and long. Do you:

a) Run the ball and make sure that the clock runs to the 2-minute warning, knowing that even if this play and third down is stuffed, the Vikings won't get the ball back with more than a minute after a punt

b) No, seriously, your defense has been godawful for the fourth quarter, you need to take time off the clock, run the damn ball

c) I can't watch; honestly, you do know that an incompletion would stop the clock *before* the two minute warning, which just gives the Vikings an extra minute or more on the clock, needing only a field goal for the win

d) Have QB Mark Sanchez take the ball in pass formation, but insist that he dance around for a while and make damned sure that the two minute mark on the clock is up before he throws the ball, or

e) Just have the Sanchize throw a quick slant, because those are never incomplete

If you choose (e)... oh, man alive, was this a masterpiece game of bed crappery. But your CB Dwight Lowery will bail you -- and me, and everyone else who took the Jets to cover -- out with a TAInt on the disgraced Favre, so it all works out. But honestly, no sheet was left unspoiled in this one. (And special bed-crapping kudos to ESPN for continuing to hype Favre in the post TAint portion of the game, because He Has No Memory. Um, maybe you should have one of those? You know, so you can avoid the game-ending mistake, over and over and over again?)

Well folks, that's all we've got time for this week. We'll see you in a week, when we'll learn just what Andy Reid and two other NFL coaches or players have in mind as they try to... Crap the Bed! Good night, everybody!