Thursday, June 7, 2007

10 Little Known Facts About Dan Shanoff

OK, the first day of the Hot Sports Blogger Challenge didn't go too well for us here at FTT -- we're losing by a 4-to-1 margin to a guy who used to write the Daily Quickie column over at the World Wide Lemur.

But we're confident that we can make up the gap once all the facts about our competition are made public. Also, once the Indian subcontinent weighs in (FTT's tech workers are legion), it's all going to turn around. For us and Sanjiyah.

Please note that this is not a case of us going negative. We report, you decide.

10) "Dan Shanoff" is not actually his real name. His real name is Ted Hitler.

9) Shanoff's gleaming skin? Achieved by bathing in the blood of young boys. From New Orleans.

8) Has a black baby from Southeast Asia. The father is John McCain.

7) Enjoys riding in tanks. Over Chinese dissidents.

6) Shanoff's best friend? Willie Horton. He goes and visits him on weekends, and then they go joy-riding.

5) Supports net partisanship, which means that he thinks that his sports blog is the only one you should be able to read. Fight the Shanoff Power!

4) Exfoliates, moisturizes, and uses cosmetics. But not on places you'd normally see.

3) Goes for the full body Brazilian. His name is Rocco. (Not that there is anything wrong with that.)

2) Does not actually write anything on his blog. The content on DanShanoff.com is actually written by sweatshop writers from Cleveland.

1) Does not even have the decency to mention pissant #22 seeds who have clearly been set up by the Ladies sports blog for exceptional humiliation. All because we didn't read their silly instructions asking for just one link, and don't, you know, actually look good.

Well, Ladies, I hope you're happy. You've made these little girls cry, because now they thinks their daddy isn't as pretty as Dan Shanoff.

(Oh, and Shanoff? If FTT doesn't win this contest, my wife and I can't afford the operations these little girls both need. Of course, people who are as beautiful as you don't have consciences, do they?)

Now, FTT Nation -- how do we turn back the Shanoff Horde?

Simple. Get your friends to vote. Spam everyone in your address book. Go on Second Life and MySpace and all of those other things you wacky kids do. Vote early, vote often, vote Quimby! Er, FTT.

Oh, and if anyone knows how to crash Shanoff's site and rig the voting, we can not legally promise that they'll be GIVEN FABULOUS PRIZES. (But it'll so totally happen.)

Don't do it for me. Do it for FTT. Do it for Caretaker. Do it for all of us.

Thank you, and good night now.

6 comments:

blue said...

don't forget that tem totally plows dan's wife

blue said...

althought that may be a well known fact so it might not fit in the "little known" section

JFreak the legend of thundercunt said...

"2) Does not actually write anything on his blog. The content on DanShanoff.com is actually written by sweatshop writers from Cleveland."

I know you were kidding and all...but you're actually right.

Dan doesn't write his own material.

All he does is scan the morning headlines on ESPN.com and write some blurbs about it.

Twice, during the Suns-Spurs series (here) and here) he provides his "in-depth" analysis and then says that the games were in San Antonio (they were, of course, in Phoenix). If you look at the second link, he even chides his readers for not correcting his silly mistakes.

And then there's the matter of him being a total douche.

CLARE. said...

Hey, Tool, where are you in the photo you sent us? It looks like the hike to the top of Diamond Head on Oahu. Am I right?

DMtShooter said...

Yosemite, in northern California. I was hiking with 50-year-olds that more or less crushed me. My washing tub abs are a clue.

CLARE. said...

I hear you. I hiked to the top of Diamond Head on vacation earlier this year. I thought I was going to die about 2/3 of the way up, and then I thought I was going to die again when a group of 14-year-old girls RAN past me up the mountain.