Top 11 Absolutely True Stereotypes About Philly Fan

Given how the national spotlight will be spilling back this way since my home town is the biggest media market left in the NFL Playoffs, let me just take this time to educate everyone about Philly Fan. (And thanks to the Five Tool Ninja for his contributions to this list.)

11) We know that the nation hates us, which is why none of you watched the World Series.

10) We eat cheesesteaks and soft pretzels at every meal. Vegetables are for pussies.

9) We hate all of our coaches and superstars, and want them all run out of town. The bigger and better the player or coach, the more we hate them and need them to go somewhere else, so that they can fail to win there, and we can feel right about our judgment that they weren't any good.

8) Everyone in Philly has every line from every single "Rocky" movie ever made memorized. We *love* those movies, will fight to defend the placement of the Rocky statue in any museum, and can't get enough of the music and your quotes. Seeing how these were the only movies that ever mentioned the town, you can see why we're so attached to it.

7) A major motivation for us, and the reason why we stay late at so many games, is our relentless desire to see a career-ending injury. It gives us nearly complete ecstasy, and it's the reason why we don't leave early. So long as someone leaves on the cart, we're good.

6) We are, much, much happier to see your team lose than our team win. When our team wins, you see, we can't boo them.

5) Everyone in town visits the Liberty Bell twice a year. We don't really want to, but once you've seen an inanimate object up close, you have to go back. It gets religious.

4) Every waking hour of our life as sports fans is spent in an obsessive comparison to how our teams stack up to those from New York. This is because that, for over 300 years now, we have wanted to be New York, because we have no sense of self, history, or purpose.

3) When we have children, we show them every single championship failure and tragedy, so that they really feel the weight of what it's like to be in our fandom. That way, when our team is in a tight game, they can wait for death with the same sense of doom that we have.

2) Being a Philly Fan is in no way similar to being a fan in Buffalo, Cleveland, Detroit, Chicago or any other town with a frustrated fan base. We are also the only fan base that does regrettable things while drunk.

1) We didn't just throw snowballas at a Santa Claus where the guy in question was a drunk idiot who was scaring children. No, the real story is that we hate Christmas, Santa Claus, sunshine, health and puppies. But especially Santa.