Embedded Trainwreck Revisited

Be Warned: This is me doing Not Sports And Not Nice. Please feel free to skip, skim, or just post your mouth-breathy condemnation in the comments.

For decades, really, I've tried to resist watching the annual mawkish horror that is the Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon. And now that the Internets are with us, it's even more impossible to avoid. So let's just wallow, shall we? You know you want to. Maybe while tearing off a toenail. Satisfying!



Earlier in the holiday weekend, I took my family to Knoebles, a great family amusement park in upstate PA. The nice thing about Knoebles is that you don't pay for parking or admission, and you can even bring in your own food. No security rubdown, even. What a concept. Mostly because how in upstate PA, everyone's armed already usually from birth. But I digress.

The rides can be paid for by individual tickets, so even if the place is packed and you are on line for a while (and for the most part, you aren't) you don't feel ripped off. People can even bring in their dogs. It's nice. It's also a time warp, in that you realize that you could have been doing the same thing, with the same people, up to nearly a century ago. And if you can get over the overwhelming whiteness of it all, it's just kind of great. The kids have a blast. People do this every year, and we might become Like Them. (The Horror.) You don't even really get carnies; it's just part of the fabric of the area.

The same thing, of course, goes for this thing. And America. But while Knoebles is nice and America means well...

Lewis is 84 now, and tells us all that he's been doing this for 60 years, and that his is the only telethon that is still on the air. There used to be 14. Such a tragedy that we've lost so many, really.

He then pats himself on the back for all of that, takes full credit for the increased life span of the afflicted, goes for the lifelong demeaning term of claiming parentage for all parties. Jerry, please, stop with the procreation: your seed is clearly not good. We'd have this disease in the dustbin of history if you just stop the sire process.

And it will end, and can only end, with his passing.

I have relatives that in the same demographic pot as Lewis. They are the kind of folks who are prone to believing fantastic lies about the President, the kind that go far beyond any sane political viewpoint and straight into loco conspiracy land. They also use terms that they do not, for some reason, feel very comfortable about repeating in front of their children. Finally, they have charming things to say about labor unions, all the while missing the point that they have pensions and a very comfortable retirement as fully paid members of, you guessed it, labor unions. And if you are very lucky, they will also share their encyclopedic knowledge of other faiths and cultures, none of which has been acquired through travel or personal interactions with other live human beings. It's delightful on many levels.

(By the way, if you have some of these folks in your sphere of influence, I recommend sprinkling in your own pet theories to their mix, just to see if you can get them to believe anything. My current meme is that the man goes for animal husbandry, if you catch my meaning, and I think you do. It's certainly more fun and creative than hearing the ones you've already heard.)

Those views will end, and can only end, with their passing. I find it oddly soothing that, according to the Census, said passing happens with regularity; it gives me hope for the species. And let's just leave it at that.

So I won't go any further into the Last Surviving Telethon. I won't point out how the toteboard is embarrassingly small (really, it's four digits at the open? for a nationwide telecast in a casino where the poker tournaments probably pay out that much every few hours?) until the odd corporate dollars come flooding in. Or that the roll of "celebrities" appearing is now a collection of people who would be lucky to get gigs as seat fillers for shows that people actually care about. Or that I can't quite fathom just who this show is supposed to be for anymore, other than Lewis himself, what with these entertainment choices. Or that this show desperately needs to not be shown in HD, that no one should bring up the dreaded topic of stem cells anywhere near this thing, or that if you watch this thing on your iPhone, it causes the device to explode from cognitive dissonance. We're going to give all of that a great big pass. (And link to what this felt like in 2008, like there would be any difference. Same as it / ever was...)

Instead, I'll just leave you with this. In another few years, Jerry will move on to his next plain of existence. The Last Telethon will then blow away like the cultural chaff that it is. And the fact that Lewis has seemingly made no public plan of succession, there appears to be noclear Plan B host in mind (like there isn't a Hasslehoffian-level narcissist that won't take the gig?). Lewis also does not seem to mind that his legacy is that of an inexhaustible supply of unintentional comedy and case study for what happens when good intentions get consumed by overwhelming ego. Instead, he does what he does, no matter what.

Well, we'll all miss it. And somehow have to explain it, and ourselves, for enduring it. Like many other things, really...

Ed. Note and Postscript: Oh, and then there's this.

"I'd smack her in the mouth if I saw her. I would smack her in the mouth and be arrested for abusing a woman. I would say, 'You deserve this and nothing else' -- WHACK! And then, if she's not satisfied, I'd put her over my knee and spank her." - Lewis on Lindsay Lohan

Seriously, what needs to happen for this man to not have a show anymore?