Top 10 New Endorsement Partners for Fantasy Football

In the day job, I work in advertising, which means that I get to / have to read columns like this one, in which a fairly out of touch ad guy notes how the game is popular (gasp!), hits a good demographic (still), and is underused for advertising concerns, because, well, it is. So let's brainstorm up a few new tie-ins, beyond the Toyota avatar generator for Yahoo, the Geico sponsorship of the ESPN game and podcasts, Southwest covering a pick'em game, or how "Get Him To The Greek" is on all of the Web pages that I open tonight. Because the game is just starving for advertisers!

10) AFLAC presents the Bye Week. The supplemental insurance for inadequate worker's compensation is the perfect partner for those crippling weeks in your H2H league where your start quarterback or tight end is on break, and you have to make an unwelcome decision to cover the point shortfall with some detestable scrub. If Gilbert Gottfried can cash a check from it, can it be all bad?

9) ADT Home Security fantasy handcuffs. Brandon Jackson, Mike Tolbert, Jason Snelling and Correll Buckhalter are dying to cash any kind of endorsement check, so let's get them woodenly mouthing platitudes for the home security system that covers your prime asset in a way that gives you cold sweat nightmares. The only thing worse than having coverage is to need it.

8) The Jaguar Overreach. Did you draft a promising rookie with world-class speed, only to see his questionable offensive situation and/or crippling other problems turn the pick into a season-defining mistake? You'll feel so much better about things when Jaguar looks kindly on your middle aged crisis and CJ Spiller pick by sponsoring... The Overreach. Sure to impress the ladies!

7) PosturePedic Sleepers. So named because they seem utterly essential when you are considering them, a moment of grown-up joy when the deal is made, and then a lifetime of overpriced regret when you realize that mattresses are mostly springs and air, and that 90% of all sleeper picks are just next month's free agent gristle. I'm sleeping tight with Kansas City's Dexter McCluster, who is eligible to do nothing for me at wideout or running back. Sleep tight!

6) White Castle Trade Acceptance. Like lycanthropy, White Castle is best experienced biannually while stoned, and so are the comically ridiculous trade offers that you receive when you start the season slowly. To the guy that offered me Browns RB Jerome Harrison so that I could have both ends of that two-headed disaster, having spent a late pick of Peyton Hillis... have a sack of White Castle. It will, soon enough, turn into your offer.

5) BP Trade Offer. When life gives you lemons made of solid platinum, and then you somehow squeeze them into bitter acid that you use to drip into the eyes of your enemies, it's time for the BP Trade Offer. Here, you use your waiver wire position to claim the Brandon Jackson claim over the owner of dead RB1 Ryan Grant, then trade the guy to him for his top remaining player, and laugh yourself stupid as Jackson is, well, Brandon Jackson despite the lovely opportunity now afforded to him. With the move, you continue to rack up huge profits and live in luxury, while taking on all of the hate that's possible in your universe. It's BP-tastic!

4) 3M Bubble Wrap Bubble Finish. For the taking it way too seriously types, or the small minority in the geek world that plays for crazy money, 3M is proud to sponsor the intervention where the just out of the money finishing team has their wrists wrapped in bubble wrap to make the suicide attempt less successful. If you've ever lost a H2H matchup from negative yards from your QB taking kneel downs at the end of the game, 3M is there for you!

3) Brewdog Trash Talk. The makers of the world's highest alcohol beer (their Tactical Nuclear Penguin brew clocks in at 32% alcohol by volume, which is roughly 3000% more than Coors Light) would be proud to sponsor your wildly over-the-top, possibly violence-inducing trash talk. Why just stop at insulting a man's team when you can bring up what his mother did for recyclable empties behind the dumpster, before her second shift work in Congress? Brewdog helps you bring the wood! And seizures, and blackouts.

2) The Big Suck Out from Oreck. When your vacuum can pick up a bowling ball -- because, Lord knows, that's just the kind of thing you are probably sucking out of the carpet on a daily basis -- you just have a certain sense of security and power that's unmistakable. Along with, say, watching your kicker hit a 50-yarder on Monday Night for the win, both for his team and yours. Immortalizing your freakish luck would be the same folks who advertised their machines as having "the cleaning power of a Category 2 hurricane," because nothing is better than Hurricane Clean.

1) Twilight Sucked Out. And finally, for that life-draining defeatist feeling that comes to just about everyone that engages in this sucker bet, it's the sparkly vampire movie franchise that's got money to burn. It's the perfect match, because just like the movies, life slows to an inexorable crawl in the weeks where it all starts to go into the weeds, until you long for the sweet embrace of a death that won't come. Enjoy!