10 ways to make people care about tennis

This week in New York during the hottest summer on record (you go, climate change deniers!), the U.S. Open is going on. Which means that for a brief period of time, mostly from sheer proximity and a nagging suspicion that you should experience things, tennis will be on the far periphery of our sporting knowledge. And I remember from my dim childhood actually watching this and liking it, even before the dirty old man thrill of seeing athletic young women sweat, grunt and groan. But what will get the general public to actually care about this sport again?

10) Big money buy ins. One of the reasons why poker has become a cash cow telecast in the past decade is the simple knowledge that when someone loses, we know they are actually losing (potentially their own) big cash in the bargain. So if we set things up for a significant buy-in, with the bubble players celebrating when they make the money? And maybe even the occasional suspiciously fat guy or girl who keeps showing up at every tournament? That's got to help a little. Isn't it everyone's dream to play a major?

9) Nationalistic chauvinism. Let the WWE be your guide, and go with full national anthems, waving a flag in a particularly odious manner, and perhaps a forced and/or awkward sing along. Don't let the American need to hate go for naught here, people. I realize that many of the top players are from fairly innocuous Euro countries, but don't underestimate the sporting thrill of hating on someone just from where their parents frugged.

8) Throwback gear. Let's face it; with today's server game, there's precious few points that should go past grunt, serve, get another ball. So let's call throwback on them, and make an ace actually difficult to acquire. Old wooden rackets, bulky sporting clothes, no lighting, outdated sneaker designs? Bring it on. Let the restrictor plates in NASCAR be your guide.

7) Closer seating. Have you gotten used to the sight of empty front row seats at MLB+ games yet? I know I enjoy them, if for no other reason than they remind me that the lords of the sport have no connection with reality during tough times, along with no clue about how much the average person doesn't want to deal with skin cancer issues from sun exposure. Honestly, it's like they are actively trying to keep people from coming, let alone paying big bank for seats. But I digress.

Tennis would be better if players periodically went against the wall to try to return a volley, with fans trying to get a souvenir ball. And if someone dives into the stands, scattering the swells with a full extension? Even better. It makes all of us watching at home feel better for not going, and laugh at the way that people with money blow it. And it might give us the cheap thrill of watching nubile young things groped or worse in their quest to return a volley. So let's get close.

6) Multi-event tournaments. Time was that the best doubles players were also the best singles players; now, doubles is about as important to big time tennis as rock-paper-scissors is to hold'em. So let's make them expand their minds and game with exotic variants like doubles, a singles match but played on the doubles lines with underhand serves, games where you can't score the point until the third volley, and any other junk variant we can come up with. They'll thank us for it one day.

5) Iron Rules. This year at Wimbledon, two guys that no one had ever heard of, before or since, played a match that lasted something like 12 hours, mostly because neither guy could do anything more than serve. It actually made people notice the sport during a busy sports weekend, since there was the chance that one of them would up and die during the event. Then the matches were called on account of darkness, and the whole mystique of the thing was lost.

I don't mean to be cruel or promote bloodsport -- oh, who am I kidding, of course I'm being cruel and promoting bloodsport. Let's just say that watching these pampered pros sipping water, changing shoes and looking like fighters resting between rounds is not nearly as compelling as wondering if one of them will have to tap out mid-point, or do real damage to their career for this match. Let the Frazier-Ali wars, the ones that probably contributed more to Muhammad's Parkinson disease than any other factor, be the guide. After all, it's not like human cockfighting is hurting for dollars...

4) Screwjob refs and video. Every sport is the same now, when it comes to the zebras; they are routinely shown up by the technology, but get the majority of calls anyway, because if every call were made by the tech, the games would last forever. Tennis can break the cycle by either (a) tossing all tech out the window and making things entirely on the shoulders of frail old people, or (b) going all tech and giving the robot overlords an appropriately retro-death voice. I'm talking Evil Otto from Berzerk, or the screaming alien head from Sinistar. FAULT. I LIVE. ROWRRR!!!

3) Spike their meds. Why is John McEnroe still the most recognizable name in tennis? Well, it's obvious; he's a polarizing, insufferable jerk with the ability to laugh at himself, and he tells the truth more often than not. He was Simon Cowell before the culture dove into the dumpster and made us care who Simon Cowell is. And when people watched tennis, they had no idea how much they'd miss him when he was gone.

Today's players are all mostly colorless androids who don't give their opponents any sense that emotion can play a part of their game, or that they are interested in anything that would be unpalatable to an advertiser. And it's just inexcusable, really. These people are frequently children of privilege, jet setting around the world before they are eligible to drink, living a life that the schlubs in the seats can only dream of. Is it too much to ask for the occasional hissy fit, ugly scene with a hostile crowd, or withering personal attack on an anonymous umpire? No, dammit, it is not. Get naughty already, you automatons!

2) Rampant roiding. Let's just admit it already: sports are better when you know that the athletes involved are making the devil's bargain that is PED enhancement. Baseball has home run distances that have never been achieved before. Football is -- oh, wait, no one's ever had a steroid problem in football that wasn't Lyle Alzado. (WINK, WINK.) Wrestling had super-freaky freaks that died like popcorn, giving us the fantastic Dead Wrestler series on Deadspin. Don't mistake this for snark, but that's some of the best writing in Blogfrica ever.

So let's just have one big, glaring, crazy time exception from the world of cheating vs. compliance, and announce that tennis will have no testing at al moving forward. Would we see 200 mph serves, top or backspin on the ball that's so severe that a shot actually hits the court and auto-burrows, or horse neigh style post-match interviews with the affected parties. And after all, it the choice of the player/contractor, not the team/employed with healthcare benefits...

1) Ritual humiliation of the loser. Whether this is via a dunk tank, mud bath (why are only the "winners" pelted with shaving cream et al these days?) or stripping, we just need more gravity to the losing side on these things. When you watch a team lose, we get lots of crying spectators, sad faces on the sidelines or weeping boards filled with sad commenters, team sports have it in spades on fan hell. Tennis needs to up the ante, especially if the losing player is either (a) hot, (b) petulant, or (c) both. This would get even better if the players hate it, the booth is looming over the court, and we've got players trash-talking each other about going in. Let's get some good wet hate happening here.

As always, add your own in the comments, or just nod in silent solidarity and acceptance...