NFL Week 3: You Crap The Bed

It's time for the NFL game show that is the omega of every week -- You Crap The Bed! You all know how the game works. We give you, the couchbound watcher of the nation's most popular sport who is in no way paid to make NFL decisions, the opportunity to out-think the men on the field. And this week, we're brought to you by Super Colon Blow, the breakfast cereal for people who are disturbingly concerned about their fiber intake.



Now, let's all play the game!

1) You are Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis. You are leading 10-0 on the road in Carolina, at the end of the first half. In that half, your weak link QB, Carson Palmer, was 10 for 24 with 2 picks and another that should have happened. Palmer was, in fact, so bad that comments about his play led off halftime show highlights for out of town markets. He's clearly the only reason why this game was at all close, as your defense held rookie Panther QB Jimmy Claussen to 1 of 5 for 14 yards, with 1 pick and 2 fumbles, at this point.

After a Claussen fumble, you have the ball with 18 seconds left in the first half at the Panther 27. You are leading 10-0, and you have no time outs left. Do you:

a) Try for a put-away touchdown by having Palmer belch up a jump ball into the end zone to top WR Chad Ochocinco

b) Go for the end zone, but try oversized rookie WR Jordan Shipley, since he's got a height advantage, and did bring in a Hail Mary in Week One against the Patriots

c) Run a quick crossing route out to experienced possession WR Terrell Owens, so that your field goal attempt isn't so long

d) Try something unexpected with a draw or toss to speed back Bernard Scott or starter Cedric Benson, giving either man the instruction to, no matter what, get out of bounds, or

e) Have Palmer throw it short to rookie TE Jermaine Gresham, because rookies always have the presence of mind to get of bounds with no time left on the clock, and are in no way prone to thinking they can run through everything in an attempt to be the big hero

If you choose (e), congratulations... You Crap The Bed! And you've won 22 utterly meaningless passing yards for Palmer and Gresham, and another 30 hard minutes of football against a home team that was clearly ready to roll over and die. But luckily for you, Claussen provided his very own Super Colon Blow in this one, so you are still 2-1 and very much alive in the very frisky AFC North, despite having a QB that has a hard time going through airports, due to the large metal fork in his back. That's one spotless crap!

Now, we'd like to welcome back two of our favorites on You Crap. Without these men, we're really not sure we'd even have a show. So without further ado...

2) You are Chargers coach Norv Turner. On the road in Seattle, you've managed to tie the game at 20 on an Antonio Gates touchdown with 6:39 left. You are tied despite committing 11 penalties for 83 yards (6 and 51 more than your opponent), turning the ball over five times, and not having your starting RB or MLB, mostly because you are outgaining your opponent by a nearly 2 to 1 margin. Seahawks kick returner Leon Washington has a 101-yard kickoff return for a score, nearly broke another one in the third quarter, and is the only Seahawk, outside of field goal kicker Olindo Mare, to put up points since the end of the first quarter. Do you:

a) Squib it, since those rarely come back all the way, and the way your defense is playing right now, only a big special teams play is going to beat you

b) Try an onside kick, since it's the last thing the Seahawks are expecting, and if it works, you'll put their exhausted defense right back on the field

c) Just kick it out of bounds, because as we've previously mentioned, Washington is just about the only guy that looks like he could beat you in this game

d) Seriously, do anything imaginable, including but not limited to kicking it straight sideways into the crowd, but don't let Washington beat you

e) Kick away as if nothing that has happened in the previous 53+ minutes could have any impact on your thought process, because dammit, your kickoff coverage team should be able to do the job

If you choose (e)... well, you could only be Norv Turner. And your sheets are so permanently fouled that it's a wonder you don't just sleep in a hammock over a trough. And you've won the human interest story of the week, as the league's media gets to talk about how wonderful it is that Washington has manageed to recover from his gruesome injuries to take advantage of your kind idiocy. You've also won your second loss of the year, which means that you are a full two games and the head to head tie-breaker behind the Chiefs, so maybe you'll finally achieve your five-year mission of making the Chargers miss the playoffs. Congratulations!

And now, our other Hall of Fame bed crapper...

3) You are Eagles coach Andy Reid. With four minutes left in the first half, you have 3rd and 2 from the Jacksonville 26, and a 7-3 lead over the hometown Jags. Your offense, to this point, is comprised of one big bomb from QB Mike Vick to WR Desean Jackson, and the Jags scored on their last possession. Your offensive line continues to be the weakest part of your offense. Do you:

a) Rollout Vick on third and see if he can get the corner and the first down

b) Give the ball to starting RB LeSean McCoy, seeing how he's your best ball carrier

c) Try Jackson on another deep ball, since one killshot touchdown might put the Jags down for good

d) Use a half dozen other fairly effective options, including but not limited to WR Jeremy Maclin, WR Jason Avant, TE Brent Celek, WR Riley Cooper, or even FB Owen Schmidt

e) Try any of the above, but if you don't convert, send K David Akers out to get back your three points and prevent a momentum swing, or

f) Run reserve RB Mike Bell on third down, and again if you don't make it on fourth, because there's no way the Jags would anticipate you being stubborn, or the offensive line being ineffective in power situations, because it's not as if that's a hallmark of the Eagles in your era

If you choose (f)... well, once again, there's no way you aren't Andy Reid, and we don't even want to consider the chemical consistency of what you've shared with the world for years now. But the nice thing about Being Andy is that your team is so used to Bed Crappery that it's able to shake it off, at least against terrible teams, and wind up winning this game comfortably, with only David Akers' fantasy owners getting bent out of shape. Well done!

Well, that's all we have time for this week. Be sure to come back next week to see exactly who has Crapped The Bed! Good night, everybody!