What HD Is For: Telethon Train Wreck

Tonight as I was closing the books on the NFL previews and keeping an eye on SportsCenter out of the corner of my eye in the Man Cave, the powers that be at the Lemur went for Rednecks Turning Left. (No, NASCAR Fan, I am not your blog. Move along.)

So I pull up the menu of other high definition choices, because when I am in the Man Cave, I am a High Definition Only Snob.

And there, lo and behold, brought to me by the power of My9 HD from New York... the awe-inspiring awfulness that is the Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon.

A better and meaner blogger than me would live blog this whole thing. I am not that blogger. My capacity for self-hate stops at... 90 minutes.

Important Editorial Disclaimer: I am not pro muscular dystrophy. I am not even anti Jerry Lewis. Heck, I'm not even anti-MDA Telethon.

Oh, wait. Actually, I am. Anti-telethon, at least.

A word of background. Every year when I was a kid, I'd watch this thing; it seemed Important, Dammit. When Lewis would break down in his usual angry rant, I'd be as caught up as when a pro wrestler took a chair shot. It was, of course, as real, and as tasteful.

In later years, I'd try like hell to avoid the damn thing... and inevitably find it while flipping around channels, dreading the start of school, and finally just succumbing to the increasing horror of how, say, David Hasselhoff was going to work out his pitch.

About fifteen years ago, I finally kicked my telethon habit. Around the time that the Internet existed, really. And now, I'm watching it again for the first time in decades, and in breathtaking high def.

So what does the Telethon get you in HD?

> Full penetrating jowl coverage of Jerry -- and those jowls are 83 years old now, so dammit, you will respect them

> Maureen McGovern covering Bob Dylan's "The Times, They Are A Changing" as if it were written for a cruise ship

> Jerry working the crowd in Vegas, with lots of MD patients providing him with mugging background

> The audience sounding and looking like they have a median age of 76 -- and yes, HD makes it worse

> Gloria Gaynor, continuing to survive

> One happy looking black guy in Jerry's Vegas audience (I'm pretty sure he's getting paid)

> People who you weren't sure were still alive, yet alone still in show business (Jack Jones! Tony Orlando! Ludacris! Ed McMahon! Kid Rock!)

> Jerry getting all handsy with Nancy Grace in her role as the classy/slutty blonde that tells her heartfelt stories of loss

> Local telecast anchors rocking the same tuxedo look that Lewis has worn since he was, well, an actual entertainer, rather than a punchline

> Jerry miming various orchestra performances -- funny! on many levels!

> Some of Las Vegas's hottest 40 year old MILFs moving back and forth in what almost passed for rhythm

> Tacky timpani bounces with that 40-year-old Jerry caricature

> Jerry giving us his weight, and Tony Orlando's old weight, before a vaguely racist joke at Tony's expense

> Jerry getting political, without ever mentioning a political party, because when your house is no longer worth a damn and you can't fill your gas tank, you are still going to donate to HIS kids, dammit

I'm sure this little moment of hate will get me some comment or six from someone who has been helped by the MDA.

I'm sure they've done some good, too.

But, um, no.

Stop it.

Please.

For the children...

(Update... I had to come back in for the last 40 minutes. Kevin Meaney, who was funny for a few minutes in the late '90s, came in to do Viagra and drug jokes for the New York telecast. It redefined awkward in our time. Must. Stop. Watching...)