Badly Beaten

Welcome to Atlantic City, and "Badly Beaten," Spiked TV's latest effort to fill the nation's airhole with poker coverage. Tonight, we're proud to give you live hidden camera footage of random amateurs attempting to play poker with high-larious consequences. Let's get to the action!

Biff Biffley: Tonight, we've got Shooter, a man that's held his own in a monthly basement games with friends for six months. He's walking into a casino poker room for the first time this weekend, after getting crushed at the blackjack tables. We're in for some good fun tonight, aren't we Norman?

Norman Chad: We certainly are, Biff. Not only have we stacked the deck to make sure that when Shooter folds any kind of hand it will appear on the flop, we've also given all of the other player access to his hole cards via special monitors in their cup holders. Finally, his chair has been specially wired to give us his vital medical signs. This is in addition to his usual tell, which is looking pissed off at crap hands, means we're in for hours of stepping on a rake fun!

Biff: To add to the torture, we're going to give Shooter something to play every 15 hands. We're up to that now, and he's got nine-ten clubs as his hole cards.

Chad: And he's in for the flop! Let's look at those vitals now, Biff. You see, he's so beaten down, there's barely any movement in his pulse or blood pressure. He's beaten before he even gets cards!

Biff: Seven players for the flop, bringing the pot up to a robust $14. Shooter's vitals have picked up beyond comatose, Chad. Isn't that charming -- he has hope of actually making some money on this hand.

Chad: It's like Charlie Brown with the football with this guy, Biff. You've got to respect that... all the way to the bank.

Biff: The flop is the nine of spades, the ten of hearts, and the queen of clubs. That gives Shooter the only community pairs, a chance at a flush and a straight, and his first scent of hope at getting some of his money back. How are his vitals, Chad!

Chad: Almost up to a hospital patient, Biff. With cancer in three places.

Biff: Shooter has last action, and since this is a limit game, nearly every hand goes to the river and beyond, since it's been pretty cheap to see the cards -- every other hand has at least gone to the turn tonight. And that's six players checking. Will Shooter bet and watch them all drop, or check and see more cards that will eventually kill him?

Chad: Any sane man would bet here and hope that some money would follow him in. Shooter's puzzling it out for a few seconds... oh, isn't that adorable, Biff! He's trying to actually make the other players think he has bad cards!

Biff: Nice work on the part of the other players from not busting out laughing as they look at Shooter's hole cards on the small monitors we've placed in their cup holders. Shooter finally bets, and... everyone else folds, in a new record time of 3.5 seconds. That's even faster than the last time he had cards, Norman.

Chad: Right you are, Biff. But Shooter's the big winner with a $12 profit from his first good hand in two hours. And the best part is... he's actually pleased to have won the $12. God, I love this kid. Let's take him out back and rape him after the show. Whaddya say?

Biff: Of course, Norman. You want to take him from in front or behind?

Chad: Well, I'm uglier than you, with more visible lesions. I'm going topside.

Biff: Works for me. After these hands, his ass is going to be so well-lubricated, it'll be like hitting an oil slick.

Chad: But just for you, Biff, thanks to your Humiliation brand sandpaper condoms. Remember folks, for the kind of top-shelf reaming they'll remember, look for the label that says Humiliation Brand sandpaper condoms!

Biff: And that's all the time we've got tonight on "Badly Beaten." See you again in three weeks, when Shooter returns to Atlantic City with all of his friends!