How To Celebrate A Touchdown

College football officiating covered itself in glory this weekend, as the ending of the Washington-BYU game was compromised by the decision of the refs to give an unsportsmanlinke conduct call for this play. Please view, if you haven't seen it already.



Washington missed the subsequent 35-yard extra point, and lost the game.

Now, the easy thing to do would be to chastise the refs for making what seems to be, at best, a ridiculous call that put them square in the crosshairs of extreme criticism, but I'm not going there. Instead, I'd like to make the following suggestion for Washington's coach, to implement for the rest of his team's ruined season.

Teach your players to do the following in the event of future touchdowns. The player that scored will, upon seeing the ref signal touchdown, cease running and drop to one knee, as if receiving communion. With trembling hands in the face of the great and awesome power that is some bloated 50-year-old white guy on his weekend job, he will raise the football up to waist level, while keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the ground.

When the referee has relieved the scoring player of the football, he will rise to both feet, keeping his eyes on the ground, and proceed at a light jog to the sideline. When he gets to the sideline, he will be allowed, if he chooses to, to accept a subdued handshake (or, perhaps, one small consoling pat on the back to help deal with the knowledge that he is one touchdown closer to the end of his career). The offensive unit can also engage in a moment of group prayer, to ask the Lord for forgiveness for their sinful thoughts of happiness when a touchdown is scored.

If this is all too elaborate, the offensive player can also just drop the ball and walk off the field angrily.

I'm sure that will be much more fun for everyone to watch, and we'll all get back to what we're really watching football for -- an emotion-free exercise in which everyone behaves exactly the same.

Can I get a whispered amen? amen.