Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Top 10 (Now 15) unasked questions for Tiger Woods

Honest and for true, I had no inclination to revisit the Tiger Well anytime soon. But according to the Internets, everyone's favorite golfing adulterer "will make a public statement Friday at 11 a.m. There will be no question and answer session." Emphasis mine.

Now, if the press had any stones at all, they'd refuse to show up for this thing. Public statements without question and answer are not public statements; they are press releases, and if Eldrick wants to make another of those, you as a journalist do not need to hold Little Tiger for him while he tinkles. (Ah, my advertisers! How they love the highbrow potty talk!) Have some pride, people. Stop enabling him.

Besides, it's just a darn shame, really (DARN SHAME!) that the world will never get to hear the answers to small points of interest like...

10) "What part did constantly wearing Nike apparel with the 'Just Do It' slogan play in your current situation?"

9) "When your wife attacks you with a golf club for infidelity, did she prefer a low iron for power, or a high iron for control?"

8) "Was there a minimum threshold of woman that you wouldn't bang? Man? Animal? Inanimate object?"

7) "Will you be weeping on Oprah, and if so, how often?"

6) "How do you answer to the charges that because of your actions, dozens of young black males may now turn their backs on golf?"

5) "Was there some other, previously undisclosed, record of Jack Nicklaus that motivated you?"

4) "Did all of this start once your father wasn't around to make sure you weren't being a dammed fool?"

3) "Are you pleased that the infidelity scandal seems to have overwhelmed the HGH allegations?"

2) "How are you planning on screwing up in public next?"

1) "Is this still a private matter?"

Ed. Note -- And now that it's actually happened, a few more...

11) Who are you, and what have you done to the life form that was Tiger Woods?

12) Are anti-Buddhist groups paying you to profess that you are that faith?

13) When the golf beat writers boycotted your little stage production, did you even notice?

14) Was the crying analyst on Golf TV on your payroll?

15) When Rick Reilly fellates you, do you pretend he's a Country Buffet waitress?


H. Guide said...

I'm not saying they are the best, but they deserve some consideration. Also, Ricky ranked first in franchise history in yards per game and fifth in rushing touchdowns.

DMtShooter said...

I like it when the reader comments don't apply to the actual post. Adds a little surrealism to things.

Anonymous said...

You call yourself a writer? I'd call you an opportunist, a vulture who makes his living making fun of the travails of others. Get a real job.

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