Top 10 Next Super Bowl Band Options

Given the Super Propensity for giving work to elderly music acts that make fans cringe and everyone else snark, there are only a few options possible for 2010. Let's go through them in order. Book 'em fast, NFL! Some of them might die soon!

10) The Kinks. After taking the three biggest Brit rock acts of the '60s in the last decade (Paul McCartney for the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, and now The Who), it only seems fair to go to the well a fourth time. A quick medley of "You Really Got Me", "All Day And All Of The Night," "Ape Man", "Celluloid Heroes" and "Lola" is good times for all. Besides, you could always double book Ray Davies with his ex, Chrissie Hynde of the Pretenders, and make them sing a duet of "Stop Your Sobbing." Not awkward at all, really!



9) Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. You know what the Super Bowl needs? A fairly embarrassing '60s folk music act that's dependent on vocal harmonies that they can't possily replicate at an advance age, then shoehorn in a far more interesting and relevant act and player. Besides, isn't the sperm donated kid that David Crosby had with Melissa Etheridge's old lady old enough to be objectified yet?

8) Led Zeppelin. So what if John Paul Jones would rather hang out with Them Crooked Vultures, and Robert Plant would rather get down with Allison Krauss? Money talks, everything else walks, and John Bonham's kid is always available to pound the skins. Ideally, the band would also go completely against the medley grain and just go with 12 minutes of "Heartbreaker / Living Loving Maid." (And honestly, so long as you don't let Plant sing much, this would actually be kind of cool.)



7) Creedence Clearwater Revival. Sure, Tom Fogerty has been dead from AIDS for two decades now, and he went to the grave while still locked in a bitter dispute with brother John... but we are talking about a fine sum of money, and a global audience of people who might finally understand some of Chris Berman's references. Make it happen, music lawyers. There's a bathroom on the right.

6) Pink Floyd. Can anything make Roger Waters and David Gilmour pretend to be friends again? Perhaps the specter of "Dark Side of the Moon"'s theatrics ("It's my bloody pig!") being broadcast to a massive global audience, with Waters' "Wall" vision of Nuremberg-esque conformity being brought to life with hundreds of bobbing teens recreating the Gerald Scarfe hammer animation, though I'm more of a fan of Flower Rape. There's no alienation like massive commercial success.



5) Lynyrd Skynyrd. In case we can't get CCR but still need to lock down a redneck band to make the tailgaters wave their fists in the air like they just aren't very self-conscious, there's always whatever distant relation and luckier airplane traveler that is calling themselves Skynyrd these days. The kids all know them as the long and annoying songs from Guitar Hero, so we're covered there. Besides, the only black people at the game are in the locker room at halftime, right?

4) Jethro Tull. No better way to convince the youth of the world that you can still be cool while being in the band instead of the football team, right? (Yes, we know, it's a lie. But go with it. Not enough kids playing flute these days.) If you shuddered at Pete Townshend's skin, you'll marvel at Aged Beady Eyed Freak and Pan Figure Ian Anderson, hopefully still in those Nigel Tufnel trousers, beamed directly into the world's homes in HD to whip through a truncated version of "Thick As A Brick." And if you don't think that the Super Bowl should play host to one of the more freakishly prog rock bands of the classic rock canon, you must think that their heavy metal Grammy was also in error. And that's just silly!



3) Santana. Dangerously relevant thanks to the "Smooth" crossover hit that's actually held up surprisingly well over the years, and a nice bone to toss to the Hispanic markets, especially since we still need to move the Jaguars to Mexico City to piss off Los Angeles. Besides, Carlos still has a fantastic Grimace Per Note ratio, though not as good as in his Woodstock heyday... and Father Guido Sarducci can use the career bump, too.



2) Sex Pistols. The Guitar Hero-styled renaissance is complete, and after all these years, we can trust Johnny Rotten with a live mic and a worldwide audience, right? Besides, we need a band that kicks it up a notch from Wardrobe Malfunctions and Prince's Demon Shadow Phallus. Did you ever get the feeling that you're being used?

1) Journey. The viral video rebirth is complete, and as we move to the second decade of the century and the realization that all comedy is unintentional, I ask -- nay, demand! -- that the band come back to recreate that "Seperate Ways" video for a global audience. Every day, more people come out of the closet and admit that they love this band, and they've always been kind of the house band of the Bay Area.

Besides, aren't you tired of the rest of the world watching our game? One whiff of this, preferably in a shot by shot remake, will get us some territory back, dammit. (And if you haven't seen this video before, some part of me envies you. Also, there is pity. And the knowledge that I'm perpetuating a war crime. Many emotions, really.)


Journey - Separate Ways