Top 11 ways to annoy Laker and Celtic Fan

We're still two days away from when this starts -- so soon, NBA? The NFL hasn't even opened camps yet! -- and if ever we needed something to take the fans of Coke and Pepsi down a notch, it's now. So go with any and all of these.

11) Denigrate the home court experience. Everyone knows that ever since Boston moved to the new Garden that the room doesn't cater to the same blue-color blue mouths, and that the Staples crowd changes dramatically when you go upstairs. So feel free to talk about how much better the other is, because it's not like they aren't both wildly insecure about it.

10) Talk about Paul Pierce's stabbing. This was done to infamous effect on Monday, when a SoCal writer said that Pierce's idea of a good time was getting stabbed. By bringing it up here in this list, I'm hoping for a fresh rip of rage from Massholes all over the Web, because honestly, it's been too long. Why, it seems like just last week that I was calling Red Sox Fan bipolar, which caused the Nation to pule over how mean mean mean I was to the bipolar people, and how this meant I must be a Yankee Fan. I miss them, but only because I have poor aim.

Speaking of poor aim, the idea that Pierce's injuries are out of bounds is also wide of the mark. On the night in question he was there, he ran with a poor crowd, and he didn't have competent bodyguards. Boston Fan can cry about any of those particulars, but they are all more or less irrefutable. Besides, aren't you the people who just repeatedly rubbed Cleveland Fan's nose in the era-defining turd that is LeBron's upcoming free agency with your "New York Knicks" chants, because just winning a series wasn't enough for you? Boston Fan has got nothing on an 8-year-old when it comes to a rousing game of "I get to mock you, but you can't mock me." It's like an entire area playing Calvinball. Moving on.

9) Point out that Phil Jackson is overrated. Has Coach Philip ever won a championship when he didn't have the best player in the league? No, of course not. Does his wait and let the players on the floor play it out strategy when things are going badly work out for them in the long run? Not really, but I suppose it keeps the increasingly brittle Zen Master from having to get up too often. Has Pau Gasol really gotten better under his tutelage? How about Andrew Bynum? No and no. (And if the Celtics win this series, the middle will be the reason.) And when he had a team filled with playoff warriors and no Michael Jordan, how did that work out for him?

Right, with plays designed for Toni Kukoc instead of Scottie Pippen, and Pippen famously pouting on the sidelines while it happened. Excellent coaching there, Philip.

8) Make them apologize for Rasheed Wallace. No Celtic in recent memory (and yes, that includes Stephon Marbury -- boy, the Celtics really do hold their noses when it comes to bench players, don't they?) was more reviled than Cut The Check. And now, of course, they *all* knew that The Real Sheed was going to show up, because he's a champion and yada yada yada. So you can either call them on their BS now, which is always easier when they've used the Internets to bury the man, or put them on record as thinking that he's going to be big in the Finals... despite the fact that the Laker bigs have just the kind of mid-range game and lateral mobility to cause him real problems. Have fun with this.

7) Compare Andrew Bynum to Greg Oden. You can also go any injury-prone center here, but since Odenis the most well-known Tragic Five, he's really the go-to guy. The idea that the Lakers might finally have one of those heartbreak kids that teases the fan base with potential, but never really delivers due to a taste for medical work, is just something that many Laker Fans want to stick their fingers in their ears and yell LALALALALALA about until you give up. But TinkerBynum ain't ever gonna be what you want, little soldiers...

6) Equate them with Bill Simmons. Celtics Fan really hates this, because like any number of people in Blogfrica for the past five years, they've gotten a little tired of the Bad Tooth's act... and his denigration of the laundry prior to the playoff season struck many of them as his final I Live In LA Now moment. To read the World Wide Lemur's Little Prince on this was to think that a 50-win division winning team with a mediocre home record was the viewing equivalent of Shoah, only without the laughs. I will now set this meme on fire.

5) Note their 2-9 records in the Finals. Hoo boy, Laker Fan does not appreciate the fact that they've been the Celtics' bitch for most of their history, and that the trip two years ago made it worse, especially when their team did a collective origami routine on the road in the clincher. The way to really approach this is to ask Laker Fan how much of that game they watched, and if they'll watch more or less this time around if it happens again. Do this enough, and you won't even mind that the Lakers are in the Finals again. (OK, I lie, but throw me a bone here, people. This is my Nightmare Series.)

4) Call them on their flopping, moving screens, and nonstop crying. Celtic Fan knows how the NBA's refs work (or, at least, they think they know how), so the idea that there is a growing collective drumbeat for the idea that the Celtics cheat cheat cheat just sets their teeth on edge for how the games will be called. When Kendrick Perkins pouts off to the bench with his second foul in the first quarter of Game One, just know that they'll be screaming I KNEW IT at their television sets, and smile.

And as for the technicals... well, they employ Sheed. And Bodog.com has just introduced a prop bet for the Finals on the number of technical fouls for the Cs (4.5). Bet the over.

3) Make them embrace Ron Artest. Not nearly as painful as it was before the Game Five Redemption, but Testy plays the same role for the Lakers that Sheed plays for the Celtics -- i.e., the untrusted wildcard that has come up big in the past month, but still has that Ticking Time Bomb sensation going on all around him. Any real Laker Fan knows that Trevor Ariza was the better play; he's younger, cheaper, more likely to help them past this year, and not prone to breathtakingly stupid 3s early in the clock when you are protecting a lead.

So make them not just defend Testy, but bring him close to their bosom. It will make any subsequent explosion all the sweeter.

2) Ask them about how long they've been watching the team this year. The Celtics are, as previously mentioned, had very few believers before late April, and maybe not even then. The Lakers slept through a good chunk of the year, and usually encourage a certain sleepiness in the fan base. So it's not so much as pointing out to them that they are bandwagon fans, but that their teams also routinely defraud them. So nice to know that the regular season means nearly nothing, even for fan bases that win.

1) Cite how, if the team wins, that means one more ring for Sasha Vujacic, Adam Morrison, Brian Scalabrine and Marquis Daniels. It helps, by the way, to cie these names to fans of the opposing team. After all, what's a ring mean to Testy or Nate Robinson in comparison to a second for Cheerleader Adam or His Whiteness Scalabrine?