Lakers vs. Celtics Game One: The Game That Decides The Series

I can see you looking askance at the title on this, but hear me out: the team that wins Game One wins 79% of the time. If you win Game One at home, you are the favorite -- because you have home court -- and you've started things the way they are supposed to go. If you win Game One as the road team, you've taken home court away, put a huge load of doubt in the mind of the opponent, and served notice that you aren't going to be cowed by their fans. Either way, you've seized this thing by the throat. I'm a little surprised that the number isn't higher, really.

How much is this my Nightmare Series? So much that I get to watch the whole pre-game hype-a-thon, only because my eldest daughter is with my wife in the emergency room, and I wind up babysitting the youngest, who more or less sobs herself to sleep in time for me to switch over to the game. So I'll have that association with this series. Works for me.

The Lemur starts things off with teeth grating by talking about how, if it weren't for Kevin Garnett's knee injury last year, we might be looking at three straight years of this. Yes, it's so unfortunate when an old power player who wins on effort somehow suffers an injury. But only if he's a Celtic, seemingly. Me, personally, I'll feel so bad if Laker Fan doesn't get banner #16, or Celtic Fan doesn't get banner #18. How will either of them manage the deprivation?

Earlier this week in a Bad Tooth podcast (the things I do for you people, and to myself), Little Prince Billy talked about how the LA traffic and Will Call situation would mean that the Laker crowd wouldn't be into it from the opening tip. Something to watch out for, really, and during the intro, it certainly seemed like Laker Fan's pointed antipathy for Paul Pierce wasn't very venomous. But then again, these people don't clap until Jack Nicholson does.

The Lakers come out to the Who's "Baba O'Riley", because that's just what teams do, I guess. But honestly, the defending champions who were Too Soft the last time they played this team in the Finals, coming out to "We Won't Get Fooled Again"? The gambling public that took the Celtics just snickered. Hard.

The Lemur runs the same B-roll footage as last year before the Finals start, in what I have to think is the clearest example yet of the Recession. You couldn't even afford new footage of Trevor Ariza ending the Magic? Oh, wait, that wasn't a Lakers-Celtic series, so I guess it doesn't matter...

Rondo starts it with a finish off a Pierce dish... and just 27 seconds into the game, Pierce and Artest go into some inadvertent WWE dancing. Amazingly, Pierce doesn't call for a wheelchair. Double technicals ensue, and Pierce whines about it as Garnett forces a Pau Gasol turnover. Rondo with a wild reverse layup and miss, and this is already looking like rugby. Fisher with a long make that's all cotton to tie it. Fisher with a grab on Ray Allen for a foul, then bodies him up to force a miss. Kobe to the rack for a make, and it's 4-2. The Cs look awkward in the half court, but Allen goes down on a screen, and that's Fisher's second foul in two minutes. He sits for Sasha Vujacic. Advantage, Celtics.

Testy with a steal, and Perkins fouls Andrew Bynum on an entry pass, then gives the ref a look like he's explaining calculus. A tipped ball leads to a slam for Bynum, and it's 6-2. Allen answers with his usual momentum stop jumper. Testy cans a line drive jumper that might be fool's gold. The Lakers force another turn, leading to Testy on the worst three man break ever, but Gasol gets the board and a Garnett foul. Bynum misses inside and looked lost. Garnett with a miss, Gasol with a make, and it's 10-4, with the Lakers winning that matchup. Rondo makes a key jumper, and Kobe answers in the paint. Garnett to Rondo for a layup as Kobe got lost. Allen with a touch foul, his second, on Bryant, and Celtic Fan is howling conspiracy.

Bynum with an ugly hook, Tony Allen on for an uglier layup attempt, Gasol ups the ante with an ugly travel. This is the Finals everyone wanted to see, folks! Pierce hooks Testy for an easy lay up, and Testy looked slow on that. He also airballs a three, but Gasol is there to clean up and finish. Garnett misses from mid-range off a nice Pierce dish. Kobe misses but Gasol follows, and the big Spaniard is putting his fingertips all over this one early. We go to commerce with the Lakers up, 16-10.

The Lemur discloses Doc Rivers' plan of hiding money in the visitor locker room to get his team to come back and get it in the Finals. Um, that's insane.

Pierce with a make, and he's looked good so far. Testy with a wild miss, but it was near the end of the clock, as the Cs play solid defense. The Cs then put on a patient passing clinic, leading to Perkins getting hacked by Bynum. The center crunches in the first, misses the second with a lane violation, then misses the third. Hack a Perk may happen. Gasol with a nice dish to Bryant, who is fouled by Tony Allen at the rack. Rivers goes to Rasheed Wallace as Bryant makes both, and it's 18-13.

Lamar Odom is in, and he blocks Rondo; nice play. Bryant with a forced miss, Garnett with a miss, Vujacic misses from the arc, and a blocking foul on Testy, his second. Artistry! The teams we demanded! Never you mind that we're on pace for the Celtics scoring 78 points for the game, and that I'm having Pistons-Spurs flashbacks!

Laker turn, Kobe touch foul, and Pierce with two makes at the line as the Lemur heads talk about fast food. No, seriously, this game is *that* good. Tony Allen with a steal off a telegraphed Jordan Farmer pass, and we go to commerce with the Lakers up two, and the pace of the game actually getting slower. Both teams look like they are playing a regular season game, frankly.

Tony Allen ties it at the line, 18-all. Shannon Brown misses on a drive, but Gasol boards and goes to the line, as he's fouled trying to dunk. One miss gives him 7 and 4 to start, and then he steals a bad Tony Allen pass. Kobe misses another too-fast drive, but Odom boards and gets Sheed's first. Nice defense by Big Baby Davis on that play. Odom makes one, and the lead is two. Gasol takes a charge on Tony Allen, and that's his third in five minutes. Another play by the Spaniard, the best player on the floor so far tonight

Brown misses a bad idea drive. Davis gets blocked but goes to the line on Odom. The first free throw is terrible, but the second goes. Bryant draws a pogoing Pierce for his specialty move, then makes both. 22-19 Lakers. Pierce falls for Bryant's second foul, and I am getting very, very sleepy. Pierce with two makes to cut it to one. Honestly, a nap would go down easy right now. 19 calls in 11 minutes. These are the teams we wanted to see!

Farmer with a nice read and make past the sad remains of Michael Finley. Brown then goes right at him off a Pierce miss for two more, then steals it, but it leads to a miss. Rondo nearly draws three free throws on his halfcourt heave, then gets glass on it, but neither works out, and the Lakers lead at the first by five. Not sure how I stay awake for all of, honestly. I wind up skipping the second for family stuff, except for a ridiculous Rondo make at the buzzer, and the Lakers lead by nine at the half.

I pick it back up halfway through the third, with the Lakers up 11, as the family situation finally resolves. Perkins closes the lead to nine with a nice make, bu Gasol answers with some niftiness. He then sends Garnett to the line with a flop, just his first foul, and two makes cuts it to nine. Gasol then volleyballs to a finish, and the Celtic defense just isn't there tonight. Rondo misses a reverse, but Fisher can't make in the lane, and Garnett scores over Gasol. Kobe to the line with a force and foul on Tony Allen, and I stand by my earlier assessment: neither of these teams are playing as if Game One is very important. Two makes and it's 11 again.

Rondo to Tony Allen for a slam, and that was nifty, as TA goes over Odom and has to hang afterwards. Fisher's jumper hits a lid and spins out, but Pierce takes his third foul on Testy for the board fight, and the refs are really calling this tight, which is definitely an edge to the Lakers. Testy makes both, and the lead is 11 with 15 minutes to go in what can only be called a snoozer so far.

Tony Allen misses a slam on Kobe's defensive pressure -- kind of a great or awful play, depending on how you look at it; it's not as if Bryant displayed Raw Power on that -- and after misses on both ends and a pronounced lack of Celtic hustle on the board, Fisher feeds Kobe for a sloppy alley oop dunk that really shows how the man's hops are not up to his older standards. Laker Fan explodes anyway, of course, because they sense that this is the game-changing sequence, and who knows, it might be. 75-62 Lakers with 14 minutes to go.

Davis is lucky to get iron on a miss, and Ray Allen picks up his fifth foul on a touch foul on Bryant, and if that's a foul in this series, the Lakers are going to sweep. Seriously, that's a Dwayne Wade versus the Mavs level foul. The lead goes to 15 as Gasol picks up a foul on Sheed in the lane, and this game must matter if Sheed is actually using his post game (i.e., the best part of his offense, and the one he rarely uses, since it involves work). Sheed with two makes as LA Fan shows he knows what things suck. Sleepy time.

Pierce with a miss as more Family Stuff happens, and seeing how the Celtics are barely trying, the diary is going to suffer, too. Gasol to the line, Sheed with a tech because that's what he does. Testy from mid-range makes it 20, and we're seeing the Celtic team that conserves its energy in losses. Sheed misses from the corner for a contested three, and for once, it's the Celtics who are getting dusted in the third. Lakers 84, Celtics 64, and we're about five minutes of game time from garbage. Though to be honest, this whole game has been that.

As the fourth starts, it's Davis to Sheed for a slam; didn't know he could still jump enough to do that. Kobe with a miss, but the Cs with a dumb turn after the board, despite Sheed hustle. Gasol abuses Sheed on a dribble, leading to a shove foul that's just churlish. Sheed so has a future as a wrestling heel. One make and one miss, and Pierce with a nice drive and make on Gasol. Odom misses on stagnant offense, but Pierce carries and turns. I'm still not seeing a game coming out of this, but the Cs might avoid the runaway.

Gasol misses on Sheed after too much creativity. Nate Robinson in due to foul trouble, and after 15 seconds of dribble, he finds Davis for a make. Kobe in Hero Mode with a miss, and the Cs get the team board. Garnett off Robinson dribble penetration, and that's a 7-0 run. Another bad miss, and Pierce goes into Fullback Hero Mode for a trip to the line as Laker Fan gets nervous before commerce.

The Lemur whores itself stupid for the new Adam Sandler torture session. Pierce makes two as Chris Rock makes about as much sense as the usual babblers, and the lead is 11. Farmer with a make to stop the run. Eight minutes left, and Robinson finally takes the bad three that is in his DNA; it's a miss, and Garnett's attempt to tip it in is just painfully old. Gasol with a nifty make. Ray Allen with a drive, miss, and incredibly late whistle as Odom stomps off to Inglewood with disgust, and has to be calmed down by Testy. Yes, calmed down by Testy. We're through the looking glass, people.

Allen makes both as the Lemur gives us a Jack Nicholson reaction shot. Patience, friends: this series can't last forever. A miss and Robinson board, and Pierce can't draw a foul on a miss despite all of his usual trickery. Davis gets the board and Odom's fifth foul, and wow, this is getting to be soccer. Testy erases Davis on a block, leading to a Gasol slam, and that's going to be your video highlight of the night, seeing how Testy went all Hulkamania on the recovery of the loose ball. The lead is 15 with 6:20 left, and I think we're going to get garbage time after all. Good thing, too, seeing how if this game stayed close, we'd have a half dozen guys foul out.

After commerce, Ray Allen gets to the line as the Lemur fellates Kobe for not paying attention to Chris Rock. No, seriously. Two makes cuts it to 13, and the Lakers take a shot clock violation to open the door a little. Very little. Allen's three misses, and Garnett can't convert twice from point blank range, because Garnett can no longer catch and jump in the same motion. Wow, if he were a dog, you'd have to think about putting him down. But remember, we're just one lack of a knee injury to him last year from three straight years of Laker - Celtic Finals! He couldn't possibly be getting old and injury-prone! The Lakers convert, Rivers calls time, and this one's over. Maybe the series, too.

Pierce makes over Testy, and that was basketbally. He then takes a foul on Bryant that was just a little lazy as the Lemur talks about board games. No, seriously. Fisher with a bad miss, but Kobe takes the board away from Garnett. Kobe stopped in Hero Mode -- he's been doing that a lot more than has seemed necessary, and not to great effect -- and the Cs wind up getting to the line in transition. Pierce with two makes, and it's 11; he's going to wind up with a better line than game.

Kobe to Odom for a make that should clinch it. Pierce into Fullback Mode, but the refs aren't buying, and he misses. Odom misses the three at the end of the clock. Garnett overpassing in the half court, because he's just that weak tonight. Rondo's jumper misses, and Laker Fan rises for the coup de grace. Bryant can't provide it, but Garnett's board and outlet is a board and turn. Wow, he's really, really bad tonight. Gasol squats as Davis forces a jump ball. The Lemur has Jackson sounding as bored as a man can sound in this situation, really. The Lakers get the tap, and Kobe can't make a circus shot, but he does to the line. 2:15 left, and Bryant's single make at the line gives him 27. 14 point lead.

Pierce seems to be the only Celtic still interested; he gets to the line for two more makes. The Celtics don't foul, and watch Testy hit the coup de grace three. Garnett finally makes one; who says he's terrible in crunch time? (Me, for one, and millions of others.) Garnett with a steal on the other end, but Pierce misses his three, and Gasol's line now looks like 23-10-3, and he adds a board as the Lakers run clock. Pierce blocks Fisher, then goes to the line for the old school three against three defenders. Had this game actually been close or hard fought, Pierce would have been nailed on that play. Bryant makes a three because he has to shoot, so why not. Lakers 102, Celtics 89.

Post-whistle, the Lemur fellates Bryant some more for being able to ignore Chris Rock. Folks, not to hate on Chris Rock, but when he's pimping that Sandler movie, ignoring him is not a problem. It does not even require superhuman willpower. All it requires is taste.

Anyway, back to the ball. Well, by the lede paragraph, this series is over, and the Lakers have won it. And anyone watching Gasol destroy Garnett is nodding vigorously right now. Seeing how I've predicted the Celtics to win it, they've got everything going their way. And if you really want to pour dirt on the Celtic grave, Rajon Rondo was as close to MIAish as he gets.

But winning this way, this easy, is just the wrong way for the Lakers; it wasn't a blowout but not really close. It's going to be hard for them to think that Game Two isn't going to be easy, too. After all, they just played the regular season Celtics, not the team that just won their last three series.

HOWEVAH... the real problem for the Celtics isn't that they played badly and lost. It's that the Lakers didn't play very well, either.

Game Two is Saturday. Some part of me hopes it's not any more watchable than this one. I'd like to finally see the rest of the world be as bored of these teams as I am...