Top 10 people who are scoring more than the Phillies right now

The Phillies have been shut out five times in their last eight games, and are hitting .186 since May 22. (And as I write this, they are scoreless in the 7th against Atlanta.) Who else is getting home more often right now?

10) Isaac Newton. A virgin all of his life, mostly due to his crippling desire to have apples rain on his junk. He's dead now, of course, but have you seen Ryan Howard recently?

9) A.C. Green. The NBA's iron man was so chaste that he became famous for it, and his Showtime Laker teammates would send women to his hotel room to test his resolve. He'd read the Bible to them. And not even those hot and heavy Song of Solomon bits. Anyway, Ace is married now, so he's probably crossing home plate a few times a month. Just like the Phils!

8) Morrissey, who went on record as going without for years. What, you thought all of those mopey songs about his girlfriend being in a coma were writing from character?

7) Doug Christie. But only when his accessories match, and he's spent the afternoon making Mrs. Christie those little sandwiches that she likes.

6) Mohandas Gandhi. Non-violence went a long way, folks. Of course, when you spend your time starving yourself to death, you probably aren't thinking about getting it on.

5) Lewis Carroll. Once again, overcoming the disadvantage of death and the creepiness that comes from writing famous children's stories about girls who get more than they bargained for to outscore the Phils. Credit Tim Burton and Johnny Depp for getting him some post-life nooky.

4) J. Edgar Hoover. Proof that you can fight Commies, keep America safe from Demon Rum, and live an incredible double life as a cross-dresser while still not getting any. But in the afterlife, he's a favorite of many of the lower realm's more irony enthusiastic denizens.

3) Britney Spears. Man, that was a long wait to find out that the power of manhood could unhinge someone but good, huh? Anyway, Brit's not preggers at the moment, so I suspect she's pumping away.

2) Muslim suicide bombers. But not in a way that you'd want. Once again, irony is your friend in a punishing afterlife...

1) Jesus. Not to get too close to the hot spot among many of you, but if anyone's earned a little RnR, it's this guy...