Top 10 NBA Finals Puff Pieces

With the Finals starting in just four more days -- what, NBA, so soon? -- the media has a lot of time to kill, and a lot of smoke to push up your ass. Here's what it will taste like

10) The Annual Kobe Bryant Career Whitewash. He's carried his team to three straight Finals appearances, which means he gets to rape as many underaged girls as he wants. (Allegedly.) Also, this means he was right to railroad Shaquille O'Neal out of town (um, well, this one's actually starting to bear fruit), and that he never, ever quit on his team in the playoffs against Phoenix or Boston. Let's just say he's in the same place for Career Deoderant that Peyton Manning was last February.

9) Rasheed Wallace's Veteran Leadership. The most overrated player in NBA history, the maestro of the technical foul and the ill-advised three-point shooting, gets to bask in the glow of his four-week NBA season and talk about what it means to be a champion. Cut the check.

8) Phil Jackson's Smug Salary Drive. Want to win an NBA championship without the Zen Master? Hoping to get his salary in line with the league's burgeoning fiscal unreality? Lots of luck with that. If he gets another ring for his toes, there might not be an arena that fits his head.

7) Doc Rivers Is A Genius. Two months ago, the man's ticket out of town was all but punched, as the Cs completed the biggest case of 50-win fraud ever seen in the Assocation. (Seriously. They played in a divison with the Nets, Knicks, Sixers and Raptors. The Rockets could have 50 games in the Atlantic.) Now, he's the go-to guy on the club that just needed to get healthy, along with the only man on the planet who thought Nate Robinson would be a reason to win. And if he beats Coach Philip for the second time in three years with all of the money in the middle of the table, he'll actually deserve the acclaim.

6) Ron Artest Is Critical. Actually, um, yes. Like LeBron James before him, Testy has the physicality necessary to make The Bully Truth, Paul Pierce, disappear into ineffective jump shooting for games at a time. But only if Testy can keep his head in the game, which is never a sound bet... especially when he's got that Suns Game Five clutchness rolling around in his dome. Say Bensonhurst!

5) Boston Fan Is Intense. Sure, I suppose, when his team is winning. When things aren't going well, there's a lot of boos coming down from the most spoiled fan base in the Association, and the most puling about referee calls you'll see outside of a group of 8-year-olds that think pro wrestling is real. And on the off chance that any of them are reading this, a small note: Your team sets the most moving screens in the league, and Big Baby Davis flops more than any non-European who plays pro hoop. Moving on.

4) LA Fan Is Glamorous. Why, lookit all them stars! They are watching the game, just like us. You and I could not imagine the utter specialiosity going on from the fact that celebrities watch basketball games like this! Let's all speculate on what we'll possibly do when Jack Nicholson is dead, because it's important to think about the ambience of an arena that we'll likely never go to, and if we do, could not possibly afford the good seats, because we've got things like lives and families and common sense. Oooh, lookie, there's another big star! Pinch me, I must be watching the same TV roll for the past 30 freaking years!

3) This Rivalry Is Intense. Because, you see, when other teams play for the NBA championship, it just doesn't matter as much, don't you know. Some championships are more equal than others, especially when you root for the Coke and Pepsi of the Association, who win about every other year, on average. Savoring the bouquet of each individual triumph is in no way douche-tastic; it is just what one *does*, darling, when you are Accustomed to the Finer Things. And this rivalry, you see, is just better than yours. Accept it, peon.

2) It's The Finals That Everyone Wanted To See. Appreciating Steve Nash's career is for cultists. Applauding Grant Hill for his dedication to coming back from ridiculous knee injuries is quaint. Wondering if Vince Carter could ever shed the label, or if Dwight Howard could go to the next level, or appreciating the game of Jameer Nelson a year after he wasn't able to do much due to injury... that's all for people who clearly just wanted the ratings for the Finals to suck. Because what could be better for the long-term benefit of the Association than the same series we always get?

1) This Will Settle It. What, until next June? So long as the Lakers can keep Bryant healthy and Pau Gasol alive, they are the odds-on favorite to win the West. So long as the Celtics can mail in the regular season from living in the softest division this side of the Ivy League, and keep their creaking crafties in playoff mettle (aided, of course, by the geriatric-friendly schedule), they will be the odds-on favorite to win the East. And that's just what happens when terrible franchises (that would be you, Memphis and Minnesota) sell their once-in-a-lifetime big man for pennies on the dollar.

So settle in, America, for Chapter Two of what's likely to be a four to six year run of Coke vs. Pepsi, while the rest of the Assocation's fans pray that LeBron James can get it together, or that someone from the West can pull a Gilhooly on Gasol or Bryant. But on the plus side, chances are good that I can blow the dust off this column and repost it in 12 months. Bonus!