Top 10 Next Careers for Terrell Owens

Despite 829 yards and 15 yards per catch last year -- a more than respectable total given that his QBs were Trentative Edwards and Ryan Fitzpatrick -- WR Terrell Owens is still looking for his next job in the NFL. While the Raiders have expressed some interest, because they have a fine sense of comedy, the one-time VH1 reality TV star and four-team cancer is not assured of continued employment. Besides, at 36 going on oblivion, there's every reason to think about what's next.

Seeing as Terrible has given this blog so much over the years, we feel it's only fair to give back. So, this list. And Terrible? You're welcome.

10) Paparazzi. With Terrible's experience with the media and size and strength advantages, he's bound to get more and better photos than others in the field. Of course, this assumes he can avoid the temptation of turning the lens on himself.

9) WWE Heel. Terrible's act works all over the country, with fans all over the nation willing to pay good money to see him get the garbage beaten out of him. The only problem here is that it might be hard to keep the talent from laying him out for real. Oh, wait, forget I said anything there...

8) Butler. This one's just for you Seinfeld fans, but making him atone for his past bad teammate behavior by having to be the personal manservant of the QBs he's wronged would be just ducky. And maybe a fine sitcom.

7) Hostage negotiator. Terrible's specialty will be to go into situations where it's in our national interests for both sides to throw down. Send him to a Stan. Any Stan will do!

6) Sitcom star. I realize this is what that reality show of his was supposed to be, but that was just too much raw egotism for even America to take. Terrible needs to be taking pies in the face, bulging his eyes out like an anime character, and maybe falling down steps. Especially that last part, and maybe with a catch phrase like, "I smashed my nuts!" Bring the funny, Terrible!

5) Commercial pitchman. Ever since the death of Billy Mays, American business has been crying out for a voice to lead us out of the economic wilderness. Terrible has talked any number of teams, endorsers, press apologists and new team fans to part with hard-earned cash for a guy who hasn't won a playoff game this millennium. Are you telling me he can't move some cheap Third World garbage for $19.99? Plus a second one, absolutely free?

4) ESPN talking head. He's got to be smarter than Mark Schlereth, in that he's able to dress himself, finish a sentence, and avoid drooling. Plus, he'd get to be all self-righteous about some me-first rook, and get into arguments with MeShawn Johnson and Michael Irvin about who was the bigger diva. That's always fun, in that it would be excruciating to watch, which is what I assume the World Wide Lemur is looking for, given how they continue to employ Chris Berman, Jon Gruden, and so many other people I'd like to see savaged by wild dogs. Moving on.

3) Porn. Sure, there might be some awkwardness at first, but then we could just set the set up with big mirrors, so Terrible can think he's working with himself. Then the sparks will fly. That is, until he turns on his supporting cast...

2) Coach. In every stop in his NFL career, Terrible has known much more than the coach or offensive coordinator. (Just ask him!) So let's give him the chance to change the league by setting him up in some terrible situation. Let's face it... if the man's going to go to Oakland, let's *really* go to Oakland. It's Genius Time!

1) Sports blogger. A rising tide lifts all boats. Come in to our industry, Terrible. Teach us a new level of profitable odiousness. Don't make me fake cry/beg...