Top Ten Reasons Why Tiger Woods Won't Get An Automatic Ryder Cup Berth

10) U.S. captain Corey Pavin just can't say no to current 10th ranked player Matt Kuchar

9) Woods has slept with every woman Pavin has ever known, including close family relatives

8) The U.S. team wants to, um, stick it to CBS on the ratings

7) Europeans would, as a rule, refuse to compete against a known philandearer

6) With her $750 million divorce settlement, Elin Nordegren is buying a controlling interest in CBS

5) Pavin is worried that Woods might take "Ryder" as a verb

4) After Phil "Family Guy" Mickelson's triumph at the Masters, it's clear that players with poor ethics never win

3) Woods totally crushes everyone else's locker room poon stories

2) They don't have enough Stuckey's and Old Time Country Buffets over there to keep him focused

1) Finally will mean that there's enough trim to go around for the rest of the team