The Pros and Cons of Each Team Winning The Super Bowl

New York

Pros: The victory parade would have the entertaining sidelight of watching Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey tarred, feathered, and dropped off at Penn Station with an off-peak Amtrak ticket to anywhere. If they win, the Coughlin and Eli Show would have to keep running for at least five more years, most of which probably won't go this well, and I really do enjoy watching Coughlin scream and whine, and Eli look sad.

Cons: More Manning Brother commercials, a Bettis-style wanking sendoff for gap-toothed asterisked sack record holder Michael Strahan, an unconscionable amount of "No one believed in us" posturing... yikes. Lets just move on.

Seattle

Pros: Their fans would finally let go of the conspiracy theories surrounding the Steelers win. There's a very real possibility of Mike Holmgren retiring to have more time with his family on the ice flow. Shawn Alexander gets to go out to stud, rather than a glue factory. Matt Hasselbeck deserves a little love for owning the "We want the ball and we're going to score" comment. Since the US enjoys ignoring Seattle, there will be no post-game coverage or dynasty hype. You think that Ravens Super Bowl win got forgotten fast? You ain't seen nothing at all!

Cons: For a host of sins against humanity and good taste, good things should not happen to Paul Allen for the rest of this lifetime, or the next dozen. Hasselbeck's wife makes Eva Longoria look demure and non-annoying. If they win, they'll have done so by suddenly discovering a spine on the road, after four months of suckering people into terrible bets. Bastards!

Green Bay

Pros: If this doesn't get Brett to retire, nothing will, and we can stop asking him when he's pulling the chute. Packer Fan's diet means that they don't have long before the next heart attack, so maybe this is their last chance. The team is mostly too young to have developed egos, personas, endorsements and irritation, and could help to end the annoying cliche of Teams Need To Have Playoff Experience Or They Will Eat Paste, Soil Themselves, And Lose.

Cons: The slobbering sound you constantly hear around Favre's jewels from media types will become absolutely deafening. Seriously, you may see sideline reporters just drop to their knees in the waning moments of the game. Like many obese drunks, Packer Fan is a lot more fun to be around when he loses. When he wins, he's sloppy and all over the place, and the women are showing you things you can't un-see.

Dallas

Pros: Julius Jones will sucker some team into a terrible free agent contract, under the little-known Dominic Rhodes Rule. The organization will be razed for personnel and coaching talent. Maybe TO's heart and brain grow three sizes, and he becomes an actual human being that day.

Cons: Where to begin? Even more commercials with Jones and Romo. A media whitewashing of the Owens Legacy that would make Mumia Abu-Jamal proud. Posthumous slobbering on Bill Parcells' knob. A great deal of out-and-out lying about Wade Philips' competence. The sudden and terrible resurrection of Cowboy Bandwagon Fan, the kudzu of NFL fans. And there will be more where that came from, but honestly, it will be Planet Owens for months.

Jacksonville

Pros: Since the Jaguars have no actual fans, as opposed to just disgruntled fantasy league gamblers and pre-literate rednecks on loan from college football, having them win is relatively painless. Fred Taylor gets known for more than his groin, or hating on Heinz Field.

Cons: It sets a bad precedent for the league when coaches with special needs win the championship. Also, would make far too many traditional Run the Ball honks far too happy, and make teams think that the road to success lies with cover-your-eyes game manager QB types.

San Diego

Pros: Gives back something to a team and community Touched By Tragedy, and shows that sports can transcend even the most awful wastes of life and property. (We are speaking, of course, about the hiring of Norv Turner.)

Cons: See Jacksonville comment. Also, a Super Bowl ring could make QB Phillip achieve new and spectacular heights of doucehbaggery. Think Rex Grossman... if he went to Duke.

Indianapolis

Pros: Like Jacksonville, you are unlikely to actually meet a Colts fan, so the psychic damage is minimal. May cause Patriots Fan's head to explode.

Cons: Back to back Colts championships may cause entire networks to switch to All-Manning Programming. Plus, this would further empower the all-encompassing ego, posturing and preening of prima donna WR Marvin Harrison.

New England

Pros: Would make Gregg Easterbrook shrivel and melt like the Wicked Witch of the West, only with slightly less testosterone. Combined with a Red Sox and Celtics championship, could speed up secession efforts by the rest of the United States. After its over, we can all enjoy the perp walk spectacle of the '73 Dolphins being rounded up into camps.

Cons: If you thought the '72 Dolphins were obnoxious, you haven't seen anything yet. You will be living with this team -- and more importantly, this fan -- for the rest of your life. Think about that; are you really ready to spend every football conversation until they put you in the ground waiting for Patriot Fan to talk about the Oh Seven Perfect Team? As the movie says, There Will Be Blood. Most likely, yours. (There are, of course, dozens of other Con reasons here, but brevity and a survival instinct intrudes.)