Stop Digging Up Dead Patriots

The Patriots are doomed.

Why do I think that, other than my usual Masstermind combination of preening self-confidence mixed with Woe Is Us defeatism that has been hardened in the last several years of championship-free football?

Because of a recent story in the NYTimes (registration required, but it's free) in which the Patriots are reminded of how this season is dedicated to the memory of Marquise Hill. Hill was a defensive lineman and second round draft pick in 2004 who died in the off-season when he drowned after a water scooter accident. (He's the 91 on the back of their helmets.)

I had forgotten all about Hill by now, as I'm sure most of you have as well -- and I want to credit All-Father Coach Belichick for not letting this distract the team up to now.

But with those bastards in the Patriots Hating Media digging up the tragic loss of a guy that had a boating accident while not wearing a life preserver, I'm suddenly terrified that we (because WE are all in this together, and MY contribution to the Patriots undefeated season can not be undervalued) will lose because of Hill. And more importantly, our remembrance of his passing.

Let's look at the track record of Inspirational Dead Or Hurt Guy:

1) The Washington Redskins were touched by tragedy in the passing of Sean Taylor. Then, they were touched by the Seahawks defensive lineman in a 21-point road loss in the first round of the playoffs.

(Side note -- by defeating the Redskins, the Seahawks acquired the rights to Taylor's ghost, which is why they will lose this weekend in Green Bay, and why the Packers will lose later on in the playoffs. Say what you will about Taylor, but I have to admit to being disappointed in his performance as a specter. He just hasn't realized his potential.)

2) The Buffalo Bills stared mortality in the face when backup tight end and FTT Obsession Kevin Everett was paralyzed on a special teams play. Everett came back to make two highly inspirational appearances to his teammates, both of which preceded devastating Bills' losses. Without Everett's poisonous inspiration, Buffalo could have won those games and made the playoffs.

3) The Patriots???

(I won't even get into how the Eagles lost after Jerome Brown died. It's still too painful. I'll be back in a minute, so please, discuss among yourselves.)

Phew, that was hard.

Anyway, the point is that Inspirational Dead Guy or Hurt Guy is 100% Loser Fuel. It's cheap emotion that will get you all pumped up in the pre-game huddle, but once the hitting starts, your mind can't help but think, "Damm, as much as I'm inspired by Dead Or Hurt Guy's Memory, you know what would be more inspirational right now? Dead Or Hurt Guy Playing Well."

Or the stray but poisonous thought that Dead or Hurt Guy (or his family) will be getting the same pay as you would from a Super Bowl share. Dead or Hurt Guy also gets to stay back in the hospital and get lots of hot Pity Sex from the awestruck nurses, or the attention of dozens of comely virgins in Football Valhalla. Meanwhile you're stuck in the cold trying to break a wedge. Suddenly, everyone wants to be Inspirational, rather than Actual.

No, the best way to honor the memory of Hurt Dead Guy, beyond a sticker or armband on an increasingly crowded helmet (side note: without the brave work of Rudy Guiliani, I'm fairly sure I'd have forgotten 9/11 by now), is to make them Forgotten Guy.

That's what Coach Belichick did, aided by the fact that Hill had the common courtesy to die in the off-season. Like a *good* teammate, and True Patriot.

But now that those media bastards have made the Patriots game against the Jaguars a Tribute to Hill, we're dead. And let's face it -- football players die all the time. But the besmirching of the Patriots Perfection? That would be a real tragedy.

Thank you, and good night.