Top 11 reasons why Lou Pinella is retiring

11) The last time he tried to kick his hat while berating an umpire, he nearly blew out his hip

10) Sure that as soon as the Cub players stop being distracted by who will manage next year, they'll win

9) Knows that if he doesn't get the hell away from Carlos Zambrano soon, he's gonna die

8) Wants to give the know-it-all announcers an opportunity to manage the Cubs and show how smart they are

7) Just can't match the same arm-killing legacy of Dusty Baker

6) Can't stop pining for Milton Bradley

5) Watching this much Cub baseball is no way for a 67-year-old man to live

4) After spending much of the last years of his career managing the Rays and Cubs, a fourth-place team of wildly overpaid mediocrities counts as going out on top

3) Now that George Steinbrenner is dead, no longer has the spiteful need to have a manager's job

2) Wants to be inducted in Cooperstown for his managerial record while alive

1) Has done the math, and really can't see himself catching Connie Mack, so screw it