Top 10 reasons why the Devils signed Ilya Kovalchuk for 17 years and $102 million

10) Hockey players all last until age 44 now

9) Ensures that, no matter what happens to America and her currency, the Devils will keep him away from those bastards in St. Petersburg

8) Being the centerpiece of a team that loses in the first round to a #7 seed always means long-term job security

7) It's not exactly cheap to lock up the best years of a man's life to work in Newark when he's got the option to go, well, anywhere else

6) It allows the Devils salary cap flexibility until after the NHL goes out of business

5) By the time the contract is up, parking attendants will be making millions

4) It would have been 12 years and $82 million, but the club refused to rename itself to the New Jersey Kovalchuks

3) Had to break $100 million and 15 years to secure a front page off-season notice on ESPN

2) Kovalchuk extorted an extra $10 million from the club to avoid announcing his decision on a one hour special on Versus

1) Um, Lou Lamoriello is 67 years old, and might not be making really good decisions anymore