Top 12 Shaq Destinations

12) China. They've got money, they'd worship him as a deity, and he'd probably spend six months laughing like mad and selling merch. If he wants to really get one last payday, he's either going here or...

11) Italy/Greece, where he'd be a de facto mascot, since his game really does not translate to the wider lane, not that it ever did. Still, you could see him getting paid, gaining weight, and more or less drifting off into retirement while learning how to smoke cigarettes and flop.

10) New Jersey. By hiring Billy King, they've shown themselves to be more than capable of paying big money for broken down centers, and he'd be a relatively cheap way to grab headlines from the Knicks. By teaming him with Brook Lopez, the Nets would actually have an effective tandem in the middle, and say this for Shaqalicious; he generally makes the playoffs. Which for the Nets would be something akin to the Promised Land.

9) Miami. What, you don't think he wouldn't relish the chance to be a sideshow on the NBA's version of the New World Order? Unfortunately, the hidden little bummer subtext to the man's career is that he always burns his bridges on the way out of town, and it's hard to see how Pat Riley and Dwayne Wade would let him into the circus.

8) New York. All of the same benefits of the Nets, but without having to go to Newark. The only trouble is that it's a proven fact that pairing him with Amar'e Stoudamire and Mike D'Antoni doesn't really work. At all.

7) Boston. This made a lot more sense before the Celtics decided to go for the similarly spent force that is Jermaine O'Neal, but with Rasheed Wallace retiring and Kendrick Perkins on the shelf for six months, there is still a need. Besides, it's not like they mind old guys...

6) Chicago. They lost Brad Miller to free agency, and might be in the market for a low-post scorer off the bench to spell Carlos Boozer. It's a place he's never been, and a decent media market; one has to think that the big fellow would be a nice quote machine for a young team that might have a use for someone to take the limelight off Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah. But it's hard to see how they would disrupt chemistry for him.

5) Philadelphia. GM Ed Stefanski probably isn't long for his job, and a Shaq move is the kind of desperation push that a man at the end of his rope tends to go for. He might even teach new center Spencer Hawes something, and give the team their first non-Iverson player in a decade that the casual fan would recognize. They've made worse moves.

4) Dallas. Mark Cuban has dallied with this idea for years, and it's not as if the Mavs are scared of another big name or paycheck. Of course, if you play him at the same time as the ancient Jason Kidd, you might have the worst pick and roll defense in the history of the Association.

3) Portland. What, do you really think that Greg Oden is going to ever be healthy? Or that out of control owner Paul Allen isn't prone to a spectacularly bad move that would cause Marcus Camby to question his involvement? I've worked for the man's start-up companies. He's not exactly smart, folks. And the Shaqman has conned smarter people than this.

2) Golden State. Is there any better way for a new owner in a market that would sell out the stadium for any hint of hope? He wouldn't work well with Don Nelson, of course, but it's not as if the new owners are beholden to that old fraud, either. I want this to happen just so we could see Shaq in the Tenderloin over in San Francisco. Because...

1) Lakers. ... Kobe shouldn't be the only one who shows him how his ass tastes? Well, of course, but it's not as if he doesn't know how to co-exist with Phil Jackson, or that they are guaranteed health out of Andrew Bynum. It's not the worst way to go out, and it's his best chance to get one more ring. And no, there's no chance. But it'd be fun.