Top 13 Running On The Field Moves

Oh, Baltimore. I knew from watching "The Wire" that your city was a bleak and desolate urban hellscape from which few can escape. But are you so downhearted that you can't even summon up the energy to chase down field crashers?



I'm pretty sure that guy ran around longer than the team had playoff hopes.

Anyway, since the O's are now clearly giving more time to transients than you might get at an open mic, with a slightly larger audience, it got me to thinking. What could you do before you receive your bored beatdown or tasing that wasn't, well, as tired as the security guards chasing that kid?

Note: For the record, we do not condone of people running onto the field. But there's lot of things in MLB that we do not condone, and they happen anyway. So have at it!

13) Hostage Drama. Drag a confederate out on the field with you, point something phallic at his or her head, and start bellowing out demands for all that you are worth. The hard part here is smuggling in anything that looks like a real weapon and having a confederate to act out the part of your victim, but this could make for a fascinating moment of seeing if any of the Oriole players have enough interest to even look up. My money is on no.

As for how the management would handle this, it would give us a valuable insight into whether they will, in fact, negotiate with terrorists. Their historic dealings with Scott Boras clients says that it wouldn't be an entirely new situation for them.

12) The Full Lou. Throw a cap! Toss a base! Kick some dirt! It's all in honor of soon to be retiring Cubs manager Lou Pinella, who won't be around much longer and needs to see your heartfelt tribute to his Rassin' Frassin' legacy. He's given to all of us so much over the years, don't we owe him this? Perhaps as a concentrated, Flash mob style event, with dozens of stadiums hit at once? Lou would have wanted it that way.

11) Join the Ligue. The Ligues, for ye of little memory, were those ChiSox dirtbags who came after Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa in September 2002. Why Gamboa, at that time, has never really been answered, but the joy of the Internets is that you can probably find some reason to try to whale on any guy on the field. This also sets up your insanity defense for later. Plan ahead. (Fun fact: the Ligues didn't even serve prison time for this assault, but would go to the big house later for unrelated crimes. Ah, Chicago justice!)

10) Your Number Two. Just assume the dog on a leash position, perhaps with a circling motion or two, and give the only editorial judgment worthy of the Pirate, Oriole, Met or any number of other team's seasons. For added cleverness, bring a rally towel for the hated enemy, and for lifelong Internet immortality, actually pinch off a loaf. (And if you can do that, under the pressure of eyes and what would have to be some security people with more quickness than usual, you are a better man than I.)

If someone ran out on the field and pretended to drop a deuce on a Yankee flag, I'm pretty sure he'd have a sports radio gig by the end of the week. And if he actually did it, a book tour.

9) Gymnastics. Cartwheels and tumbling show that you've got mad cheerleader game. These work even better if you are hammered, which you probably are, and fail utterly to stick the landing. Don't you want to be on Tosh 2.0? Fame Awaits!



8) Cardio. As noted in the fine feature "Zombieland", cardio is a very important aspect of surviving the coming Zombie Apocalypse, and has the benefit of showing the home crowd that being slow and out of shape extends beyond the on-field talent. Plus, it has the benefit of taking some of the legs out of the guards for the post-run beatdown.

7) Wannabe mascotry. Get your Dancin' Homer on, or show that you know your San Diego Chicken history. The added bonus here is that everyone just can't do the wave enough. That's fresh!



6) Dance craze. Are you the kind of guy who can dance to your own, presumably unheard, melody? Well, there's no better way to show the world that the Batusi needs a revival, or that Saturday Night Fever never goes away, no matter how much ointment you put on it.

Just don't do the macarena. Many fans have good arms, and access to batteries.

5) Batting stance mimicry. For reasons that mostly escape me, there's a guy on the Internets that gets serious traffic for mocking the batting stance of various major leaguers. Steal his gimmick! Or the fake laugh that the players give him.



4) Accost a player. Sure, baseball players are about as social and easy to approach as camels or recovering addicts, but that doesn't mean that Star Home Team Player isn't dying to meet you. Make a beeline for him, and see if he'll return your request for an elaborate high five, just like he does with teammates after a home run. You are part of the team now!

3) Throw swag. Your little trip is going to cost you some serious coin, what with the hospital bills, legal fees and fines. So why not spend the extra $40 on a six pack of balls at the souvenir stand and make friends with the spectators? You'll also have the special legal bonus round of potential lawsuits from beaned bystanders. Now, your story has what we in the media call "legs." Nice work!

2) Slide, DiMaggio, slide! Like moths to a flame, the infield dirt beckons, and your best chance of making an even longer timewaste by causing the infield crew to have to come out and rake. Unfortunately, the security lards know this, so you will not have the element of surprise, but if you've got the quicks and/or the cardio, maybe you can get your pants dirty. You know, before they take you into the tunnel.

1) Tase yourself. Don't wait for security to apply the voltage to you. Instead, spaz out for all that you are worth as soon as they get within ten feet of you. To the fans in the cheap seats, you'll look like the victim of a massive case of brutality, and a PR-adverse club might just drop the charges in the hope that you'll go away, or even cut a check. Success!