Top 10 Things Andre Dawson and Gary Carter Must Do at their Upcoming Nationals Event

10) Insist that the proceedings be simulcasted in French

9) Bring their own artificial turf to put down on the field when they make their appearance

8) Threaten to move the event to another city if they don't increase the payout

7) Replace all hot dogs and sausages with smoked meat

6) Stop signing autographs halfway through each signature, laughing like frogs at the tears of children

5) Blow forlorn toots on tri-colored vuvuzelas every few minutes

4) Bitterly accuse everyone in attendance of having it too easy, with their working stadium, quasi-existent fan base and relative ease of travel

3) Dress in powder-blue wrestling tights with fleur-de-lis designs, and clothesline everyone in sight

2) Poignant duet of Edith Piaf's "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien"

1) All of the above while wearing berets, smoking cigarettes, failing to bathe and making the most viral sports video ever