Top 12 ways to establish your status as a Fantasy Football Nerd

Looking for that extra edge in your upcoming fantasy league draft or auction, but don't have the time or math skills to be a true poindexter? Just follow these ten easy steps for league intimidation without mental perspiration. Or something.

12) Invent your own index.

Why predict the traditional statistics of available players, when you can crunch all of those made-up numbers into one magic number... that also takes into account the relative value over mean per specific position, then keep crunching it until it makes all your dreams come true. You have bad dreams.

11) Site unseen.

Why get your camp updates, sleeper touts, injury news and more from the same Web sites that everyone else reads? Instead, get the exact same information with different adjectives from some site that no one has ever heard of. You're sure to win that way!

10) Speak entirely in acronyms.

Look, no one actually knows what most of these things mean, so that means your bluff is going to work. Just sprinkle in enough talk about regression to the mean, DVOA, VORP and then invent your own nonsense words. For bonus points, see if you can work in something vaguely scatalogical.

9) Put the playoff cart before the season horse.

If your league is head to head, talk about how loaded you are for the playoff weeks. If it's a points league, go for how your backups are perfectly lined up for the bye weeks. The great point is that since the playoffs are three months away and no one really knows who will be good in December, it doesn't matter if you actually managed for this. Claim it anyway!

8) Cite your preseason scouting chops.

Even if you draft nothing but established veterans, that doesn't mean that you didn't see something in training camp that totally changes your world view. The new technique, training regimen, etc., it all shows how your pick has got The Genius.

7) Go collegiate.

This one is right up there with the preseason move, but your knowing aside of how good Player X looked at State, that's sure to impress, intimidate, or just irritate. It helps if you actually get the school right, but if your league is filled with pro-only nerds, it won't matter that much.

6) Get injurious.

Sure, year to year injuries in the NFL probably have as much to do with random chance and can't be predicted -- witness how crackle brittle Matt Schaub played all 16 games last year, when he normally breaks by November -- but that doesn't mean you can't pontificate at will. It's also a win when you talk knowledgably about the effect of various training staffs. Geek hard!

5) Down syndrome.

It's not enough to know the yearly statistics of various players, or even if they finished the year strong. Instead, talk about how your guy got some random percent on third downs, and how this is a leading indicator for future star breakouts. If it sounds smart, it could even be true!

4) Line items.

Analyzing offensive line play is a task best left to people who actually watch film for a living, but that doesn't mean you can't go into agonizing detail over how some household name in his own household is going to create big holes for whoever you wind up with at running back. So long as you don't run into a fan of the specific team, or a relative of the lineman in question, you're safe with your BS.

3) Calendar girl.

Everybody knows that running backs are like Logan's Run -- once they break 30, the end is nigh -- but no one really knows when a player is going to get The Age, since every situation is different. But that doesn't mean you can't rain on the parade of others, especially if you aren't the guy on the hook for one last good year from some value pick. Get funky with your actuarial self.

2) My schedule is stronger than yours.

Once again, predicting the NFL season is such an easy task that tens of millions of people make big coin from just picking the games, so your call of which team is going to play nothing but defense-free shootouts is sure to be a win. Act with complete confidence!

1) Get pacey.

This actually makes a bit of sense if you are ranking basketball players, and maybe if you are absolutely dead solid stuck between two similar players. But honestly, if you can put a number on how many comparative plays an offense is going to run, you, my son, are the King of the No Lifers. Long live the King!