Top 10 little kid bowling moves

I'm on staycation this week, and running the Shooter Kids around town in a whirlwind of parentally approved fun. And since some of you are convinced that bowling is a sport...

10) The Impossible Slowness Of Being. Can a bowling pin actively repel a ball? Only if it has been rolled by a five year old who seems to want the ball and pins to be fwiends. If you have an hour left to live, spend it watching little kids bowl; you will die of old age.

9) The Z Bank. If there was ever concrete proof that kids today have it too soft, it comes from the widespread use of bumpers on lanes. When they get good enough to actually intend to use them, that's a problem.

8) Shocking Shot Put. Who knew the kid had enough strength to raise the ball over his head and attempt a college three pointer? Or that if your kid punches a hole through the floorboards on impact, that you are liable? Hard lessons of the alley, these.

7) Ballerina Bowl. Little princesses do everything regally -- thanks a ton, Disney Demons -- including approach the line like it was the spring formal. The old Fred Flintstone Twinkle Toe has got nothing on kids.

6) Crossing The Line. Social mores have nothing on a little kid who has lost a fwiend -- aka the snot green flyweight ball that can't get back in the return. Enjoy the awkwardness as you consider going out on that grease pit lane after him, or whether it might just be better to sneak out and let someone else take the blame for his poor judgment. I keed, I keed...

5) Death Charge of Hate. Boys are particularly good at this one, where you charge like a Marine at Iwo Jima and throw the ball like a grenade, confirming your Ritalin-addicted status as a future member of some very special teams. Extra points for the MMA-style punctuating scream. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

4) Slapstick Pain. When your kid takes the full-out header and throws a shoe, eats the floor or just generally make you wish you had a camera for some fast YouTube fame... Well, you are clearly a horrible parent. And one that has peed himself laughing, or even worse, trying not to laugh.

3) Sneak Attack. Why keep bowling on this lane, especially if things have not been going well for you? Maybe some other lane will be more to your liking. That just shows your kid is creative! Especially when they aim perpendicular to the pins...

2) Birth Method. This one comes into play most with little girls who lack the arm strength to lift the ball with one hand. So they go the line, sit, spread the legs and shove. And you thought that Paris Hilton took a class or something...

1) Spin O Rama. It's the tenth frame, several meltdowns have already been overcome, and it is your last chance to make a scene in public. Why not go for the 360/720 with the axle twist in pike position? It's not as if Dad is ever going to take you here again. Go out on top!