Top 10 reasons the Cavs have changed uniforms

10) The sleek new threads are sure to attract free agents, provided those players don't mind upper management acting like plantation owners

9) It will make the eventual retirement of He Who Must Not Be Named's jersey, which will happen simply to get a full sellout of people to boo, even more awkward

8) When the good fans of Cleveland see a 25-win team in new threads, it's the sure fix for any possible attendance problem

7) The deeper wine color is, well, somehow appropriate now

6) Everyone in town needs a new jersey anyway, owing to a sudden outbreak of fires

5) As everything they've done in the last few months shows, they just want to be as much like fellow laundry switcher Golden State as possible

4) Allowed owner Dan Gilbert to make a truly high-larious joke about the font on the new unis being Comic Sans

3) New jerseys are coated with a trace levels of kryptonite, garlic and wolfs bane

2) The team is sensing a big uptick in sales to ironic hipsters and the homeless

1) The new threads are reminiscent of the early '70s, when the team's top draft pick stayed with the club, many fans were alive when a local team won a championship, and some people actually had jobs