Thursday, March 5, 2009

Ha Ha, and the Top 10 Next Teams for Terrell Owens

The Lemur goes into full lockdown mode today on the early word that the Cowboys have released Terrible Owens, and the latest validation for the Reid Era is complete. I suppose this matters if you are in a keeper fantasy league and own Owens or Tony Romo, who now will be exposed for the mid-level point on the Favre/Grossman continuum that he is... but hoo boy, Cowboy Fan, that era was fun, wasn't it?

Somehow, I'm thinking that you can get yourself that Dallas gamer for very cheap right now. Though the stampede to get Roy Williams wear will also be less than lacking. And to think, the team also let go of Brad Johnson last week. I was, personally, dreaming of a Romo injury and a return engagement of the Bradster, just so I could see the worst battery in the league in the Stars and Bars laundry. Oh well, my Ryan Leaf memories will have to suffice.

But there's so much, much more yummy pain juice to wring from this. Like, for instance, Jerry Jones' constant replaying of the Parcells seal of approval for bringing Terrible around in the first place.

"You've gotta realize than Bill bought into Terrell joining our team and don't think Terrell didn't come to this team without Bill's blessing," Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said last week. "He wanted to win and use the talents of Terrell as much as anyone in this organization ... the entire time Bill was coach they never spoke."

Good God, is this a football team or a junior high school? Sorry, I forgot I was dealing with Jerry there for a moment. (shakes head vigorously)

And since we can't let this go without a list, the Next Stops on the Terrible Tour, which will culminate in a Hall of Fame appearance in which he goes in with a special customized plaque with none of his teams listed on it...

10) Chicago. Look, this franchise has managed to convince themselves that Devin Hester and Moose Muhammad both deserve cheers and hope at the WR slot; Owens would be the best that they've had since, I don't know, Bernard Berrian? Marty Booker? Willie Gault?

Sign him, and he might already be the best WR in Bear history, folks. At least until Brian Urlacher breaks him in half.

9) New York. He can continue his magical misery tour of the NFC East. Besides, they need a #1 WR that isn't interested in shooting himself in the leg, and Rupert Murdoch would probably pony up half of the salary himself, just from the increased newsstand sales of the NY Post. I'd probably chip in as well, just to see the look on Eli Manning's face. Terrible would make the Jeremy Shockey Era look calm by comparison.

8) Cleveland. With the departure of Kellen Winslow Jr. to Tampa Bay, there are balls available, and the team needs to do something to arrest the decay in Braylon Edwards. Who could be a better mentor to him than Terrible?

7) Cincinnati. TJ Housh has taken the money and ran to Seattle, so there's an opening. I also think that having Terrible line up across from Ocho No No would be its own reality show, and if they could somehow still have Chris Henry in the fold... well, wow. Just wow.

6) San Francisco. Full circle, baby! Mike Singletary would be dropping trou on a weekly basis, and in that market, that plays. When your best WR is the remains of Isaac Bruce, don't tell me they aren't considering.

5) Washington.
Come on, Daniel Snyder, do it! You are second only to Jerry Jones in your desire to dominate the NFL in the off-season, and a Terrible signing would be the perfect way to seize that Lemur front page. I'm sure he won't undermine the fragile psyche of Jason Campbell at all, or fight with your star white TE.

4) Detroit. What, you think that just because Matt Millen's gone, that the team has lost all of its tendencies to overrate the importance of a WR? Bring him in to teach Calvin Johnson how to get the most out of his talent. He can teach Dan Orlovsky how to win.

3) Oakland. Where all old, mouthy, and essentially worthless NFL players go to die. It would also give him the chance to be Jerry Rice's sloppy seconds in every meaningful way. But in case you don't get him this time, don't lose heart, Raider Fan -- he's on his way. Eventually.

2) New England. How long would it take the Bad Tooth (you may know him by his non-FTT name, aka the Sports Fella, Simmy Boy, or the most frustrating writer in Blogfrica) and every other Masshole to talk themselves into this? I have the over/under at about a day, though their hearts would still belong to Wes Welker.

Terrible would also fit in well with this locker room, seeing how they are both Pure Evil, and it would give the media what they want -- a fresh chance to write about what a wonderful teammate Terrible has become, so far, with his new and better team. Those stories never get old. He also provides a wonderful scapegoat for when Dreamboat Brady fails in the playoffs again. (Shh! No one's supposed to notice that he's lost his last two playoff games to Peyton Manning and Jake Plummer! He's supposed to be the new Joe Montana, dammit!)

1) Philadelphia. Included here just to make you think I've gone crazy and/or predicted what Utter Idiots will be saying on local sports talk radio for the next week. We'd also find out, for once and for all, whether Donovan McNabb is the biggest masochist on the planet, assuming he stays on the roster for this.

It'd also make for a fantastic marketing move, since everyone needs a new jersey, having burned all of the old ones...


Anonymous said...

DIAF T Owens

Anonymous said...

What about Jacksonville! If anyone where to notice, since the absence of Jimmy Smith, the jags havent had a solid number 1. My list of we look more like this
My top 3
1. Chicago - lets face it, walter payton is there leader in receptions. and well, they really havent had anyone before or since.
2. Oakland - Who do they have who can catch?
3. Jacksonville - David Garrard to Owens - what a combination

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Not that anyone cares, but I'd point out the Dan Orlovsky isn't on the Lions anymore. He's a Houston Texan.

Anonymous said...

Actually brainiac, Tom Brady lost his last two playoff games to Eli Manning and Peyton Manning, but don't let anything like facts get in your way, and clearly both games were his fault and not two of the most epic post-season football games in NFL history. I hope TO signs with the Patriots just so that people like you can cry in their Cheerios for another whole football season and spend every last breath hoping and praying for the Patriots to lose. Sucka.

DMtShooter said...

Oh noes! I missed a Brady loss, and the fact that the games were Epic make his back-breaking INTs in those losses just further proof of Brady's Awesomeness.

Is it any wonder that this fan base is so adored?

On this we are agreed, friend: Terrible in a Patriots jersey. It's right up there on my wish list with Starchild in Celt-wear. Good luck with that whole "So talented that team chemistry doesn't matter" thing...

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