Mission: Cut The Cheese

SCENE opens in RAY BOCCHINO's restaurant. NICO BELLIC enters.

BOCCHINO: Nico, come in. How the hell are you?

BELLIC: I am a soulless killing machine. I am carrying enough guns and ammunition to take down an army battalion. I have slaughtered thousands, committed scores of atrocities, and can barely operate a motor vehicle without putting my fellow man in grave peril. I also carry hundreds of thousands of dollars on my person at all times. I am Death, the destroyer of worlds.

Despite all of these things, I am here to do your peculiar and difficult task.

BOCCHINO: Sorry, I stopped paying attention, because I was snorting cocaine and arguing with a junkie stereotype.

STEREOTYPE: Give me more drugs!

BOCCHINO: No, you whore! (To Nico) Would you like some cocaine?

BELLIC: No, because even though I've killed more people than I can count, I wouldn't want to set a bad example by using drugs.

BOCCHINO: Ha Ha! You know what, I like you, Nico, despite the fact that you're overwhelmingly likely to kill me fairly soon. That's why I'm going to give you a peculiar and difficult task. Are you familiar with American football?

BELLIC: Is that the game where grown men reach into each other's ass crack and slap each other violently? Because I haven't made a remark relating to homophobia or gay sex for over five minutes now, and I'm starting to feel out of sorts.

BOCCHINO: Ha Ha! Yes, yes, very good. I have this friend Ted, and he has little problem with one of his players, a quarterback named Brett. He wants him dealt with.

BELLIC: Forgive me, but is this really a job for an indiscriminate killer? It sounds more like a tickle fight at the Triangle Lounge to me.

BOCCHINO: It's not that simple. You see, Brett has pull with many of the team's fans, and Ted wants him gone. But it can't look like an inside job, or Ted will take the fall. So I need you to go to the Modo clothing store in Algonquin and get yourself some new threads. Call me when you're ready.

BELLIC: Wait. Before I go perform what is sure to be multiple killings and a high speed chase with countless police officers, how much money will I make?

BOCCHINO: Teddy just tried to give Brett $20 million to stay away from the team, and he didn't take it. So we can give you $50,000 to just kill him.

BELLIC: It's a deal.

(End cut scene)

DRIVE to clothing store and purchase the right outfit.

BELLIC (on cell phone): OK, I got the stuff.

BOCCHINO: Great. Ted tells me that Brett's holed up in his shack in the Liberty City Bayou. Go there and take him -- and anyone that's with him -- out. We can't have any witnesses.

BELLIC: Wait, if I'm to leave no witnesses, why am I wearing this shirt?

BOCCHINO: Shut up! You knew the job was peculiar and difficult!

BELLIC: Fine, fine... I'm on it.

BOCCHINO: Oh, and if you fail or get caught, you're dead to me until the next time you see me, at which point we'll act as if this never happened, and you can do this all over again.

BELLIC: Of course.

DRIVE to Brett's hideout. KILL dozens of obese BRETT fans. Invade the cabin and execute BRETT.

(Five minutes and dozens of dead obese guys with shotguns later)

BRETT: Please don't kill me! I've got so much to live for! Or not! I just changed my mind! Go ahead and shoot me! Only, not right now. I'll call you when I'm ready to die, but first, let me call the media. I can't do anything without them!

(Gunshot, End Cut Scene, Autosave and Sting Music happens)

BELLIC (on phone): Bocchino? It's done. Thank for the $50,000 that has suddenly appeared in my wallet.

BOCCHINO: Excellent, Nicky. Man, you wonder why Teddy didn't think of this sooner, it would have saved everyone a lot of trouble, and Brett's fans would still be alive. Anyway, call me later -- there's another quarterback that Teddy wants to spring out of prison. You'll get to use helicopters and rocket launchers and do an incredible amount of damage.

BELLIC: Sounds fun. But first, I have to go eat something, so that I can stop bleeding and being near death.