Thursday, July 31, 2008

In My Time Of Wanking

I am convinced that, at some point, the Lemur will just drop the pretense and stop covering actual games entirely in the weeks before a Trade Deadline. Because, really, who wants to cover what actually happened when we could speculate about what might happen instead?

On the off chance that you are smarter than me and haven't been paying attention, the latest athlete who feels that we need to be informed 24/7/365 of their relative happiness at drawing a paycheck at his current address is Manny Ramirez.

Since this happened in Boston and the little dears just get all verklempt if you don't pay attention to their every burp, hiccup and bowel movement, the non-stop speculation on where he's going (Florida? The Mets? Hell?) and what the Red Sox might get in return and could they ever live without him oh my god oh my god oh my god click on another link to see what some other talking out of his anus Boston feeb has to say about it.

Look, chowds. I know your world is coming to an end, because your world is always coming to an end, but the whole Manny Experience... really isn't all that important to the rest of us, and probably not even to you. He's just not that great anymore, and he's not going to get any better. The Yankees had this exact situation last year in whether or not to sign Bobby Abreu, which is to say, a reasonably good player who's expensive and not getting any better. They bit the bullet and signed him. It wasn't really a story.

The Sox are dangerous if (and only if) David Ortiz is one of the ten best hitters in the American League in the last two months of the season, and if the pitching holds up. They're also a lot better defensively on the road when ManRam isn't in left wandering around like an ADD kid, so losing him isn't exactly the end of the world.

Besides, even with the Yankees taking on passengers for the stretch run (nice of the Tigers to give them a fairly useful Ivan Rodriguez for the eternally doomed Kyle Farnsworth, especially since the deal with Pittsburgh for Damaso Marte, and the emergence of Jose Veras, made him more of a 6th inning option than the 8th), the Sawx are a better than even-money bet to make the post-season, since no one really expects the Rays to be left standing in a three-way dance with the charter members of MLB+.

(A small moment on the Tigers. Kyle Farnsworth? WTF? Why not take Brian Bruney instead, who's the same pitcher for a tenth of the money? This isn't the NBA, when you're hoping to take expiring contracts against the cap. Idiots. Anyway...)

Back to ManRam. But instead of, I don't know, reporting on things that matter, or restraining themselves to a contained rumor segment for all of the fast twitch fantasy honks who have skin in the Manny game, the Lemur has gone into full Missing White Girl panic over this. They've also got to take the idiot's bait when he holds up a Brett Favre sign, because there's nothing they like more than when the meal makes its own sauce.

Oh, and Manny? Kudos to you for making what is an absolutely ordinary baseball transaction about race. As if the Red Sox would have been better off with a broken-down Pedro Martinez or Nomar Garciaparra. As if Sox Fan won't happily cheer anyone who gets them wins. Hell, they tolerate JD Drew, and he strangles puppies with the entrails of hobo children. (Allegedly.) As if a man who is getting paid what you are getting paid -- i.e., somewhere along the lines of, oh, the second most money in baseball -- has the grounds to cry foul when his employer doesn't sign up for the tail end of your career, you know, when you get fat and lazy and defensively deficient, with eroding offensive numbers. (Oh, wait, that's already...)

No, Manny, by all means, cry race in a town that's got long-standing problems in that regard. Make the pie higher for the Mass-Wide Lemur. Elevate Kevin Youkilis to the status of Jeff Kent -- heck, go all the way and claim that since he's a Jew, Youk is controlling the media coverage of this to, you know, make you look like an utter jackass.

Meanwhile, the fans of the other MLB teams -- even the non MLB+ ones! Gosh, we still exist! Isn't that, you know, quaint? -- will wait and be thankful when it (Manny, the Lemur's existence, our waning interest in baseball) is all over. One more month until football, folks...

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