These Are My Cranky Pants

With my football team 1-3, my baseball team eliminated, my basketball team irrelevant and my MLB playoff picks at 0-5 and counting... well, I'm wearing what the SFGate's Tim Goodman calls the Cranky Pants. But that doesn't mean the world isn't going to hell in a handbasket (as opposed, of course, to a footbasket, which is a third of the size of a yardbasket) and that you damned kids better stay the hell off my lawn.

1) There's outrage in the Philippines, according to the AP, for a joke on "Desperate Housewives" (yeah, who knew that show had jokes?) impugning the good name of Filipino medical schools. No, seriously.

On the off chance that we're reaching anyone there that can read these words and isn't just performing a Google search for Naughty Pictures of Teri Hatcher (and who would have thought that Skeletor could be a sex symbol?)... let me clue ya in on a few things.

If we want to make fun of you, we've got better ammo than the medical degrees. There's that whole Bataan Death March, Imelda Marcos, the canine cuisine... so count your freaking blessings already, and Stop Puling.

2) The owners of the song "When You Wish Upon A Star" are suing Fox for airing an episode of "Family Guy" that parodied the song's content for a cheap and easy joke-a-thon about Jews. No, seriously.

I blame the sports for this. What else is this unseemly descent into the world of Mommy Lawyer The Bad Man Said Mean Things, but an echo of the We've Been Disrespected nonsense that sports teams have used for fuel since time began, really?

I realize, of course, that the vast majority of people who walk the earth are not really looking for a quick payday that they don't deserve, and that there are many more people that don't want to be on "American Idol" or "Survivor" or "Who Wants To Whore Themselves In Public For Money" (haven't heard of that one yet? It's a mid-season replacement on Fox)... but cheese and crackers, people, getting your feelings hurt is not rounds for a lawsuit. Go screw.

3) Just to prove to you that I'm not entirely pro-corporate, here's a lovely moment in marketing over common sense...

BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD ASSOCIATION'S mid-Atlantic Group, CareFirst, has launched a campaign via Cramer-Krasselt/Hampel Stefanides, New York. The new effort, with the theme "More to Feel Good About," tells consumers to avoid health problems by making small behavioral changes that can help them feel better and more confident about CareFirst BlueCross BlueShield as a health insurance provider.

One TV spot says that smiling has been proven to lower blood pressure, reduce stress, boost the immune system and release endorphins that make you feel better. It closes with the message that CareFirst BlueCross BlueShield gives consumers more reasons to smile because of its competitive advantage of providing "more choices, more experience and more doctors" with their health plans.

Smile, suckers! We're not paying for your health care! (But remember, a Canadian-style single payer system would just be horrible, and the fact that no other First World nation does anything like what we do here just means We're Very, Very Smart.)

4) Finally, this little kernel of joy for everyone else who is suffering with the high rotation TBS promos during the MLB playoffs... Frank Caliendo is changing the face of late night!

Note, however, that you may want to swing a baseball bat into the skull of the new face until it falls to the ground bleeding and moaning, Then, as it curls up into the fetal position, you'll probably want to grind the nub of the bat into an eye for awhile, just to see if Frank can scream like different people.

I bet he can. Let's find out!