NFL Week 14: You Crap The Bed

This week on You Crap, we're brought to you by Uncle Sticky's Toiletries, because nothing says bathroom hygiene like a weirdly downmarket rhyming product, placed on your nethers, that you've never heard of before. Plus, it says right on the site that it's not intended to diagnose, treat or cure anything!

You all know how we play the game. Each week, we give you the chance to out-think people who are actually paid to make NFL decisions. Now, let's all play... You Crap The Bed!

1) You are Atlanta coach Mike Smith. You are down 26-23 at home with 4 minutes left in your bid to take out the unbeaten Saints. You have managed to do everything pretty well on offense today, with backup QB Chris Redman avoiding the big mistake, and backup RBs Jason Snelling and Jerious Norwood running for reasonable production. On the first play of the drive, you choose to:

a) Throw it to TE Tony Gonzalez, your best weapon so far today, and a matchup nightmare for the Saints

b) Run it with Norwood, who has big play potential

c) Run it with Snelling, who has worn down the Saints defense with punishing runs

d) Throw it to WR Michael Jenkins, who has been your best big play threat today, or

e) Try some bizzaro wildcat direct snap to backup Eric Weems, because trying something that you haven't done for the first 56 minutes of a game just means you are due

If you chose (e), preferably while taking pride in your discipline for keeping this in reserve for a perfect occasion, congratulations... you crapped the bed! And you've won a whopping 15 yard loss to start the drive, leading to a forced interception on the next play, and the abiding regret from blowing your chance at having one great highlight for a lost year. But before you truly revel in your crapitude, up comes Contestant Number Two...

2) New Orleans coach Sean Payton! After Smith's bizarre playcalling, you lead 26-23 in Atlanta. The Falcons defense stiffens, forcing a fourth and seven from the Falcons 15. You choose to:

a) Kick the field goal and go up by six points

b) No, seriously, kick the field goal, fourth and seven is not exactly a gimme, and a 32-yard field goal inside a dome should be pretty automatic

c) Wow, you're really thinking that you need to do something tricky here? There's a big damn difference between a three point lead with two minutes left and a six point lead. Who do you think you are, Bill Belichick? You're facing a backup QB here. Why not make him actually make a play?

d) Um, go for it, I guess, since you do have the world's best QB in Drew Brees and a billion weapons. It's clinically insane, but if you do convert, you win the game, so I suppose... no, it's really not defensible in any way, you mook

e) Throw all sense and caution to the winds and try a fake field goal with backup QB Mark Brunell throwing his first pass attempt since, gulp, 2006

If you chose (e), preferably while massaging your oversized brain and convincing yourself that teams can only go undefeated with Super Genius Coaching... congratulations, you crapped the bed! And you've won the surprise and dismay of the nation's betting populace, the stunned looks of everyone watching this game, and the continuing hope that you'll outsmart yourself like this in the playoffs, preferably to my laundry. But you still win the game, because your defense made a fourth down stop to clinch it on the following drive.

3) You are Dallas coach Wade Philips. Down 10-3 to the Chargers with 2:15 left in the second quarter, your offense has crafted a 14 play drive, eating up seven and a half minutes of the clock, on which you've called 13 running plays. On second and third and goal from the one, the Charger defense rose up and stuffed RB Marion Barber for no gain. On fourth down, you choose to:

a) Accept that your offense didn't get it down when they had to, and take the automatic three points, since there's a lot of football left

b) Go for it, but use the fact that the Chargers are selling out the run and use Barber as a decoy in play action, and maybe throw it to notoriously underused red zone target TE Jason Witten

c) Go for it, and put mobile QB Tony Romo in motion to give yourself multiple ways to score

d) Go for it, and give it to fresher (and much faster) RBs Felix Jones or Tashard Choice, both of whom have been effective on this drive, and haven't gotten the ball in the last couple of plays, or

e) Run it one more time with Barber, because dammit, that's what real men do

If you chose (e), preferably while refusing to learn the lessons of the life of Barry Switzer, congratulations... you crapped the bed! And you've won a 10-3 deficit at the half, the knowledge that the field goal that you missed will be the final margin of defeat, the continuing reality that you can't win games in December, the lock-solid knowledge that you will be packing up a cardboard box in early January, and a few more loving close ups of you looking befuddled on national television, because that never, ever gets old.

Well, I'm afraid that's all we have for this week. But remember, with a little fiber, determination and inspiration -- or, if all else fails, the application of some freakish snake cream to your junk -- you too can... Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!