NFL Week 15: You Crap The Bed

This week on You Crap, we're brought to you by Ex-Lax, the chocolated laxative for constipation. The really wonderful thing about a classic product like Ex-Lax is it's such a classic for prankery; there really hasn't ever been a summer camp or frat house that didn't think it was Crazy Bonzo Fun to make someone lose five pounds the very hard way with it. As a matter of fact, I'm fairly sure that recreational purposes probably makes up a good 20 to 30% of their market share.

You all know how we play the game. Each week, we give you the chance to out-think people who are actually paid to make NFL decisions. Now, let's all play... You Crap The Bed!

But before we play the game, a brief moment of explanation. You Crap is not meant to chastise ballsy calls that didn't work out; we are not here to always say no to onside kicks, going for it on fourth, or playing everything tight to the vest. Rather, we're about making sure that truly stupid, indefensible decisions are noted for the record. Just as, well, pooping in your bed is an indefensible decision. And with that, let's get to it!

1) You are Eagles coach Andy Reid. After a quick opening touchdown, your offense has had two straight three and outs, and lead 7-3 at home against the Niners with a minute left in the first quarter. On third and one, you give Michael Vick the ball for a running play that doesn't work. On fourth and one from your own 29, you choose to:

a) Punt the freaking ball. Be patient. You aren't winning the line of scrimmage consistently right now, the Niners are getting nothing out of their punt return game, and you just can't risk the road team getting that much momentum.

b) No, seriously, for the love of God, punt the freaking ball. Punter Sav Rocca hasn't even been horrible, and there is just no reason to risk a short field.

c) Well, if you have to go for it, maybe you give it to your best running QB -- oh, wait, Vick's limping off. You're still going to go for this? Sneak with McNabb, I suppose, though that really doesn't work as much as you'd hope...

d) Um, go for it I suppose, but do something that doesn't involve the middle of the line, where ex-Eagles Takeo Spikes and Michael Lewis are stunting in a big way because they've seen this movie before

e) Go for it with Weaver right into the guts of the defense, because That's Manly, dammit

If you chose (e), congratulations... you crapped the bed! But your defense then saves your very large amount of bacon, as CB Sheldon Brown causes a fumble in the red zone on the ensuing drive, then your offense goes 94 yards for a touchdown. Why, you were just showing a Belichickian confidence in your team, right?

2) You are Denver coach Josh McDaniels. In a must-win game at home against the surprisingly game Raiders, you hit a 62 yard pass to stud WR Brandon Marshall, setting yourself up for a first and goal from the Raider 2. The score is 16-13 Broncos with just over six minutes left.

In the next four plays from close in, you choose to:

a) Give Marshall at least one chance at punching this in, given that he's, well, your best offensive player by a very wide margin, and already has one touchdown in the third quarter from in tight

b) Treat this as four down territory and make sure that power backs Knowshon Moreno and Lamont Jordan have reasonable chances to get this in

c) Use the mobility of QB Kyle Orton to your advantage with a QB draw and/or rollout and option moves, perhaps with criminally underused dynamic wideout Eddie Royal

d) No, seriously, use Marshall; he's a freaking beast, and besides, if you don't and it doesn't work out, he's liable to get snotty about it in the post-game press session

e) Throw it on two of three plays to TE Tony Scheffler, because nothing quite sets the tone for a game by trying, unsuccessfully, to trick a team, rather than beat it at the goal line, and it's not like the Raiders could possibly score the winning touchdown late

If you chose (e), preferably while laughing at the QB antics of JaMarcus Russell, content in the knowledge that the Raiders could never win with a last-minute touchdown on the road to cripple your playoff hopes... well, congratulations. You Crapped The Bed! And you've won a sixth loss of the year, the knowledge that your team has dropped six of your last eight games after a 6-0 start, and the thanks of a half dozen teams that are dreaming of taking that final playoff spot from you. Oh, and the knowledge that if you somehow blow this, estimations of your Annual December Collapse are going to start feeling Dallas-esque. Well played!

3) You are Dallas coach Wade Phillips. On the road in New Orleans against the unbeaten Saints, you are clinging to a 24-17 lead, with the home team scoring 14 unanswered in the past five minutes of game plan. Needing a clock driving that ends in points to salt away the win, your offense proceeds to get you just that, with QB Tony Romo getting big chunks of yardage to WR Miles Austin. With first and ten from the Saints 11, with 3:55 left, you choose to:

a) Keep the ball in Romo's hands, since he's hot right now and, well, the franchise

b) Run it to make sure the clock keeps running, but try fresh speed backs like Felix Jones or the relentlessly underused Tashard Choice

c) Throw it to TE Jason Witten, who is Romo's favorite "security blanket" target, and yet downright ignored when it comes to red zone chances

d) Play tight to keep the clock running, but don't just turtle up, since place kicker Nick Folk has missed more field goals than any other kicker in the league

e) Run the ball on internal dives to spent fighter Marion Barber and outside threat only Felix Jones, because it's clear that Folk has used up his yearly quota of shanked kicks... despite the fact that before the kick was tried, the NFLN coverage showed him missing all over the place during *warm-ups*, inside a dome, without a rush

If you chose (e), preferably while preparing your post-game speech of how loyalty to a guy like Folk pays off when he makes "seal the deal" kicks... congratulations! You Crapped The Bed!

And you've won of the funniest moments of the regular season to date as your hopeless shanker bangs one off the upright, the sure knowledge that owner/GM/cray person Jerruh Jones will have Folk released not just from the team, but from this mortal coil. and at the time, perhaps several pounds of earthy worry in the seat of your pants. Luckily for you, your defense actually makes a stop and saves your season, but don't let that stop the fun.

Well, I'm afraid that's all we have for this week. But remember, with a little fiber, determination and inspiration -- or, if all else fails, some poison in the brownies -- you too can... Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!