The No Sports Conspiracy

Here's what counted as news in the Toy Department today.

> A slate of 3 NBA games, one of which ended before midnight in the East.

> 6 games involving teams in the NCAA college basketball top 20. (Notre Dame broke their seven game losing streak against 7th ranked Louisville. I hope you were sitting down for that.)

> 7 games in the NHL. You'll be shocked to learn that Detroit, who have been good since I actually followed and cared about hockey in the late '80s, are still good.

> The Washington Nationals signing the sabermetric wet dream of Adam Dunn, the Mariners getting close to signing the sad remnants of Ken Griffey, and some relentlessly tiresome A-Rod, Selig and Roger Clemens nonsense.

> Day One of the Brett Favre Comeback Watch.

In other words, Almost Nothing You Needed To Care About. This weekend will be even worse, since the NBA will have their All-Star Break.

And all of this nothing... on the day before Valentine's, which is also a Friday the 13th.

My fellow men, can it be any more clear?

Our wives, mistresses and girlfriends have cagily arranged for all of this to create maximum attention and purchases from us. (Hell, you want to lay this on the Obama Administration, I'll allow it. Women vote Democratic more than men, and it's clear that they'll do anything short of legalizing pot to jump-start this flat-lined economy right now. By the way, feel free to do that and use all of the tax revenue to pay for the entire stimulus bill, the financial bailout, and a hefty tax cut. You're welcome.)

I say that we don't stand for it. Personally, I'm going to spend Valentine's Day playing poker, after giving the Shooter Wife the traditional gift of the Jizzy Lizzy, seen above. That's two kinds of chocolate and one kind of taste. What woman could ask for more?

Stay strong, my fellow Tools. And be careful out there. It's a dangerous time for all of us.